Free All Gone by Stephen Dixon Page B

just know.
    So I’ll forget my call and even thinking about it.
    You’ll see for yourself. Jackie’s wife will claim the body in a few days and there’ll be a funeral and we’ll attend.
    We were his such good friends and nobody will mind?
    No one. Neither his wife, who’ll be compensated for the lesson. And the people who did him in will even expect it of us and some of them will be there too. They play it decent, very orderly and good manners, something Jackie didn’t do or have. That was his problem. Not much brains too. Hand in hand with his gambling, that can kill you. Being a smart ass besides, you’re dead.
    I’ll remember that.
    It can save your life.
    Lookit, a life worth saving might as well be my own. I’ll remember that. You know, I don’t think I like this business anymore. Money’s good and not too many hours and so far steady, but too much excitement for me and you never know who to trust. Your friend’s your friend one day, next day you’re fingered by him on maybe even a lie and with his or her thumb pressed down on your throat goodbye.
    There’s a lot depending on it for everyone, that’s why. You just got to do what’s expected of you till you get the right to give orders and advice. That takes time and you got to want it. No matter what, never think you’re absolutely safe. Like with any job, any business. Draw up your own parallels.
    But even when you’re right up there, company president and the rest of it, do something wrong and you can get it in the head.
    Not if you do nothing wrong. Everything’s protected. Or let’s say, all your moves are almost already made. Sure, accidents happen, flukes out of nowhere. New people move in, alliances fall apart and develop, but then you got to know who to be for. All in all though, you got to just stay in line.
    But what you’re saying makes it seem even more impossible. This one, that one, time comes along how do I know I’ll be dumb enough to pick the wrong one. You saw with that phone call. Suppose I’d dialed it and some power person found out and they didn’t like it and for all I know it could’ve been my third to fourth very wrong move in a short time and they might decide I also definitely belong away. You could’ve told them of all those times I don’t know about and now know in fact.
    Me? Your best friend?
    No trust. I can feel it. I really think I want out, but total.
    Too early. You got too much put in and they with you the same for you to go so immediately. You have to withdraw and keep on stepping not so much in as you’re withdrawing till everything you do’s being done by someone else or among a crew and you’re so unnoticed you’re out. Something like that. But takes time.
    Then I’m leaving the area.
    Forget it. They see a small hole, means someone’s missing. You’re not around, means it’s you. They find out and you’ll have to explain. Once out they’ll be afraid you know too much, or in again, that you’ll want out too much again no matter what your denials and future promises to them. So they might start watching you and soon think maybe they’re spending too much energy watching you and they might take other ways. You should’ve thought of all this before you came in.
    How could I have known?
    Come on. You heard of it, read about it, grown up with it, since a kid seen it in the movies and still do. Well it’s not so far from all those combined where you should’ve known what it was like beforehand.
    Poor Jackie.
    Stupid Jackie you mean.
    Poor. Because he’s dead. Little I knew; I liked him. Oh, let’s go to bed.
    I want to read some more.
    You feeling like a little physical activity tonight?
    Not tonight, love, not tonight.
    The article about Jackie?
    It’s not that.
    Then good reading.
    And you, sweet dreams.

THE BATTERER
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    My wife beats me up.