Free According to YES by Dawn French

crop of their mum. All three boys rush to her and she gathers them into her arms and showers them with lots of silly little kisses. They pretend not to like it, but nobody resists too much.
    She especially greets Teddy, who she hasn’t seen for a month or so.
    ‘Teds!
Mon Dieu
! You’ve gotten so thin!’
    ‘S’one of the benefits of emotional turmoil, Mom.’
    She laughs and looks hurt at the same time.
    ‘JOKE,’ he assures her.
    Natalie touches his cheek and adores him. She turns to Rosie, ‘Thank you Miss Kitto.’
    ‘Rosie, please.’
    ‘Rosie, thank you.’
    ‘No problem. I’ll have a wander and be back in an hour or so. I know you’ve got your flight.’
    They both nod at each other, two women complicit in the same endeavour, to keep these young men well-loved. Rosie leaves them to their mother and heads out into Bloomingdales to see what chocolate and shoe treasures it might contain. She won’t be disappointed.

Knob
    That evening, the happiness that comes from seeing their mum is still swirling around the boys, even around Teddy who is too cool to let it show much. Being eighteen and being jolly don’t sit too well together. He’s happier in his customary morose mode, but even he can’t hide his cheer completely.
    Rosie whips up some quick pasta with a tomato and basil sauce for the boys to scoff before Kemble is due home to take them to the movies. Teddy knows that if the choice of film is down to the twins, he is in for an evening of earth-threatening superhero high action. Does he mind? Not at all. All boys like the chance to be junior whenever possible, even Kemble, even Granpops. The excited chat around the kitchen counter where Rosie is cooking is all about which film they might choose. Thomas and Glenn are out, and it’s Iva’s night off, so she is in her room in the back of the apartment, next to Rosie’s, catching up with her favourite Polish soap operas and talent shows on TV Polonia and using Skype to talk to her beloved daughter back home.
    Rosie is the first to realize that the minutes are ticking away and there is a worrying no show from Kemble. She brushes off the concern as pessimism and serves up Oreo-cookie ice-cream for pudding, in the hope that by the time the last delicious gulp is gone, Kemble will be through the door and rushing to go straight back out again with them. The boys are loud but it’s even louder inside Rosie’s head where the clock is ticking. Tick … Tock. Come on Kemble.
    Teddy is the next to wonder where his father is. Rosie shrugs her shoulders. Teddy picks up his phone and calls his dad’s number, which goes repeatedly straight to voicemail.
    ‘Shit,’ he whispers under his breath. He looks at the kitchen clock, it’s just gone seven thirty p.m. They have missed most of the earlier movie start times. Rosie knows what he is thinking. He is damning his dad to hell. The twins are thankfully oblivious of time, assuming rightly that someone else is doing that thinking for them.
    Rosie has an idea, ‘Hey guys, help me out with this, OK? Someone has been really annoying me recently, a man, a selfish thoughtless man, and I need to think of the appropriate swear words to call him when I next see him. Obviously I wouldn’t EVER dream of using any demeaning words that pertain to women or women’s bodies in my swearing so, avoid those at all costs, but almost anything about guys, their bits, poo, wee or anything else including f-words is fine. So, if we say the next five minutes is a total cussing amnesty, meaning
you can say anything within those rules, what can I call him? Go!’
    The chaps look at each other, a bit uncertain how to process this instruction but, with encouragement, Teddy is the first to draw his curse sword, ‘Um, well I would call him … a dickhead … or maybe … a fucking douche?’ he says hesitantly.
    ‘Yeah, those are good, but what about if you got a little more creative? Like, say … moosecock?’
    The twins giggle. They love