Free Scary Rednecks & Other Inbred Horrors by Weston Ochse, David Whitman, William Macomber

panel.”
    The rest of the men nodded and stared down at the buttons dumbly.   “What about that one with the green and blue circle on it?” Kenny Joe suggested.   “That’s the color of the earth.”
    Max nodded.   “Should I push it?” he asked, looking over at his friends.
    “What’s the worst that can happen?” Judd asked.
    “Well, that’s easy for you to say, Judd,” Bailey said, staring down. “You got a metal rod sticking out of your ass.”
    Before they could start fighting again, Max pushed the button and stepped back fearfully.   There was a dull rumbling underneath their feet and they braced themselves for the worst, their eyes darting around the room with growing panic.
    Through the screen in front of them, they watched in awe as the biggest missile that they had ever seen floated down towards earth, spinning silently as it fell.   Their mouths slowly dropped open in unison as the missile entered the planet’s atmosphere with a trail of fire and smoke.
    “Oh my motherfucking god, I think you just blew up the earth,” Judd uttered, his eyes watching his home planet in amazement.
    “My mama is on that planet !” Kenny Joe wailed, his hands stuck to the glass.
    Max wondered how it was possible that he had just actually heard someone utter the line ‘My mama is on that planet’ in a serious tone.   “You don’t know that it’s going to destroy the earth, fool,” he muttered just as the missile detonated on the planet below.   A colossal, fiery cloud could be seen from their vantage point.   “There, see, it only got a part of the earth.   A piece is still there.”
    “Looks like some part of Europe,” Bailey said. “Mama don’t live in Europe, thank the Lord his own bad self.”
    Max could see quite plainly that it was Southeast Asia, but he decided not to say anything.
    “Push another,” Kenny Joe said, happy that the bomb had not killed his mother.   “Just don’t push no green and blue ones.”
    Max nodded and pushed a random button.   Nothing happened.   “We’re never going to figure out how to move this thing back to earth.   This is helpless.”
    Judd slapped his hands down on the control panel, pushing dozens of buttons at once.   “ANAL PROBE IN MY ASS!   EARTH BLOWING UP!   KENNY JOE’S MAMA DEAD!   I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!”
    The ship lurched forward, tumbling slowly towards the earth, faint tremors reverberating underneath their feet.   Gravity was suddenly cut off and they found themselves floating around the room along with several alien corpses.   Kenny Joe seemed to be stuck to the front of the view screen, while Judd floated around fearful that he was going to hit his backside on a wall.   Bailey grabbed the pole in Judd’s ass in a vain effort to steady himself, sending the both of them hurling wildly through the room.   They hit the wall on the other side with a sickening thud.
    Luckily, Judd had hit the wall headfirst.
    Max floated in front of the view screen and watched the earth grow larger before his stunned face.   The ship hit the atmosphere and plunged toward the planet, the view screen detonating in sheet of fire. “Oh…shit,” he whispered.
    Kenny Joe, still stuck to the view screen like a squashed bug, had a front row seat to the whole thing.   He screamed and cried as they plummeted.
    The ship vibrated spastically.   Showers of sparks exploded from the control panels, filling the room with sulfurous smoke.
    The last thing Max heard before he fell into unconsciousness was the womanly sounds of Kenny Joe’s front seat screams.   
     
    One year later:
     
    “You’d think you’d be used to it by now,” Max said to his friend as they watched the big screen TV.   They could see Judd being carried from the wreckage of the UFO, the metal rod sticking out of his ass like a sundial.   The spaceship had crashed into the Atlantic Ocean and, after submerging for about an hour, floated to the top.   Government officials had