Free Around the World in a Bad Mood! by Rene Foss Page B

doctor escorted the flight attendant to the clinic, which was really just a room next to customs that had an old-fashioned faded yellow curtain that pulled closed, offering the illusion of privacy. It was there that the Japanese doctor informed the Indian translator, who in turn informed the flight attendant, that the doctor would now perform a procedure to release the “poison.” With that the doctor pulled out a sharp, blunt instrument that resembled an ice pick—in fact, we believe it was an ice pick. “Hey, wait, aren’t you going to, like, clean that thing first?” cried the flight attendant. “You can’t just jab a dirty ice pick into my thumb, and you gotta give me something to numb my hand. It hurts just to look at it, let alone stab it!” There was a lot of conversation between the doctor and the translator, but the final verdict was that our suffering flight attendant must “bear the pain.”
    â€œHey, this is the nineties, and people don’t bear pain anymore. Tell him I don’t want to bear the pain. I’ll wait until I get back home, thanks just the same, man!”
    The doctor agreed to sterilize the ice pick and after doing so he approached his victim, who was feeling a bit woozy and being held up by the Indian translator, with great precision. Without warning he plunged the ice pick into the wounded, tender thumb. A sudden, piercing cry, which was rumored to be heard at the Taj-Mahal, followed the procedure. As you can see, being a flight attendant is not a career choice for the faint of heart.
    Not every story was so dramatic, and sometimes they had not been experienced firsthand, but had just been heard about from someone else or read about in the newspaper. For example, you’ve probably heard the one about the pig; yes, pigs do indeed fly, and first class at that! The story goes that someone brought along their hog for a trip. He wasn’t just any ordinary hog, though, he was a “therapeutic companion”—sort of like those assist dogs you might see guiding a disabled person. Because he was considered a service animal and the passenger had a note from the doctor, the pig was allowed to come along for the ride sans cage or restraints. Apparently, the poor pig didn’t fare so well on the descent and by the time they were taxiing to the terminal he went bananas and was reported to have run through the cabin squealing, snorting, and trying to bust in on the boys up front. Actually, that doesn’t seem all that unusual to me. As a matter of fact, I’ve seen quite a bit of squealing and snorting on many flights over the course of my career. I guess I’ve finally come to understand why it is that airline personnel worldwide dread these two words: “Summer Sale.”

The Golden Age
    T HERE IS DEFINITELY an absence of glamour in the airline industry these days, but that wasn’t always the case. There was a time (before deregulation, the current hub and spoke system, air rage, and the overall cynicism pervading the industry) when graciousness and gentility reigned. The following is taken from an airline promotional brochure from the 1950s, when the industry was young.
    Step up to the red carpet with pride. This is the double-deck Stratocruiser, the height of flight luxury! Your crew is the pick of the airways. Your comfort is catered to with every innovation known to the air age. Cabin temperature and pressure is altitude-conditioned for perfect ease. A new and exciting travel adventure awaits you.
    T HE L ADIES’ L OUNGE: Lovely leather walls—completely mirrored. For convenience, the room is divided into two sections with twin dressing tables to keep you “travel-poster” pretty! Another example of luxury.
    M EN’S D RESSING R OOM: Mirrored walls, outlets for electric razors, three washbasins, and a dental basin—plus a never-ending supply of hot water. Everything you need to stay fresh and