Free Around the World in a Bad Mood! by Rene Foss

everyone is miserable while it is happening. First of all, the poor passengers cannot get up because the cart completely blocks the aisle. Second, the flight attendant to passenger ratio makes it difficult to serve everyone in a timely manner. Third, it always seems that as soon as we pull the carts into the aisle we hit a patch of surprise turbulence that makes it all the more difficult to pour coffee. In the best interests of the traveling public I have compiled a list of ways that might help make the meal service a bit more bearable, at least for the flight attendants:
    1. When ordering a drink—and God knows you’ll probably need one after running through the airport, then being stuffed into a metal tube so crowded that it resembles a flying can of sardines, after which you’ll be told that you will be sitting on the ground for at least an hour before takeoff—please try to have the exact change, or at least small bills. Once, a woman gave me a twenty-dollar bill for a vodka that cost $4.00 at 7:00 A.M . in the morning. I didn’t have the change and could not find it anywhere else, so I suggested she buy four more vodkas and we’d be even. She informed me that if she consumed five vodkas, she’d be drunk as a hoot owl. I pointed out that she didn’t have to consume them on the plane during this particular flight. Instead she could take them with her and keep them in her purse. After all, when traveling these days you never know when you might need a little nip. She thought that was a wonderful idea and gave me another twenty and bought ten bottles. I’m sure this type of salesmanship is contributing to the downfall of our national moral character, selling people things that they don’t need and that have an adverse impact on the individual, but sometimes it’s every man for himself. I’ve also had people give me a big bill, say a fifty, and I’ve had to take a few moments to go locate their change. If I’m not back in ten minutes they start inquiring as to my whereabouts with the other flight attendants. “Where is the brown-haired stewardess, the one in the bad mood? I gave her fifty dollars a long time ago and she hasn’t come back.” One time I was flying with a real wiseacre and she said, “Oh, you mean Rene. She took your cash and ran out the back door somewhere over Montana.”
    2. If you’re seated next to someone who rings the call button and summons the flight attendant because she’d like a cup of coffee, and you suddenly think that you’d like one too, don’t hold it inside! Tell the flight attendant while he is there. Don’t be shy, just blurt it right out: “I would like a cup of coffee too, please!” This way he can bring two cups of coffee in one trip. If you wait until he returns and then ask him if you could have a cup of coffee, he may kill you!
    3. If you must set your meal tray on the floor because you have to return to your laptop, please have the courtesy to pick up the tray and hand it to the flight attendant when she comes through for garbage collection, rather than making the flight attendant bend down to pick up your dirty tray from the floor.
    4. Never tap or poke a flight attendant. I have come home with bruises from passengers poking me in order to get my attention, even though I am standing there right next to them. One time a gentleman poked me in the rear end in order to get my attention, and I damn near hauled off and hit him. But I refrained and instead poked him back when it was time for me to answer his inquiry. Yes, it is loud on the plane with the engine noise, but most of us can hear and do respond to the following phrases: “Excuse me,” “Pardon me,” or even the simple “Sir,” “Ma’am,” or “Miss.” There is also that trusty call button located above your seat, right next to the reading light. So, poking or tapping your flight