Free Zap by Paul Fleischman Page B

key.
    I highly recommend reading or seeing the works mentioned in the foreword or others in the genre. It’s crucial to know the conventions that are colliding. It’s just as important to remain true to them despite the growing chaos onstage. None of the laughter should be coming from the cast. The straighter it’s played, the funnier it will be.
    The image of a remote control could be copied onto programs as a nod to the play’s conceit.
    Making use of the following doubling possibilities reduces the cast requirements to 12 males and 8 females:
    REGINALD with PAVEL
    OLGA with MRS. HARDWICKE
    HOUSE MANAGER with CLIFFORD GRAY and NORFOLK
    INSPECTOR SWIFT with BUCKINGHAM and LUKE
    AUDREY MCPHERSON with LADY ANNE and GRANDMAMMY
    BEETON with PRINCE EDWARD and KONSTANTIN
    The show runs roughly eighty-five minutes and should be presented without intermission.

(Before curtain rises, the HOUSE MANAGER addresses the audience.)
    HOUSE MANAGER. Good evening. Thank you all for coming to tonight’s world premiere. A few preliminaries. No photographs, please, flash or otherwise. Likewise, no recording of any kind. Please check that all cell phones and pagers are turned off. Please do, however, make use of the remote controls you should have found on your seats. Vote for a change whenever you feel the need. The computer backstage will log all requests and make a switch when a sufficient threshold has been reached. Our aim is to please you, the audience. You, after all, are why we are here. To entertain
you
is our first and foremost duty. Why else would —
    (Zap sound. Blackout. Curtain rises on a drawing room furnished in a mix of styles, from 1860 to 1960. A long couch and two chairs occupy the center of the room. There is an old black telephone atop a telephone table, a wastebasket, a bookcase, a fishbowl with goldfish, and a full whiskey bottle and set of glasses. The fishbowl and whiskey bottle must be clearly visible to the audience.)
    (Lights up on the
ENGLISH MYSTERY.
The year is 1916, the place an estate in the English countryside. Distant thunder is heard.
EMMALINE GRAY,
thirty and distraught, enters scanning a guest list and stops
BEETON,
passing in the other direction. Actors use English accents.)
    EMMALINE. Beeton — there you are. Any word from the station?
    BEETON. The train is expected on time, madam. Unless the bridge at Highstoke were to be washed out.
    EMMALINE. I pray it shan’t be. He only has five days’ leave. Everything must be perfect for him. You spoke to the cook?
    BEETON. Yes, madam. Roast beef shall be served. And English peas.
    EMMALINE. Nothing French on the menu whatsoever, does she understand?
    BEETON. Yes, madam. Fear not.
    EMMALINE. Nothing that might possibly remind him of the fighting. His last letter has me quite . . .
    (She trails off, then looks at the guest list.)
    Oh, Beeton. There’s been an addition to the guest list. I’ve invited Inspector Swift up from London. I’m hoping he’ll enthrall us with his latest case and take all our minds off this wretched war — especially Clifford’s.
    BEETON. I shall see that the table is set for seven.
    (He begins to leave.)
    EMMALINE. Oh, and Beeton. Tell the entire staff to be on special guard against dropped pots and slammed doors and such. We must spare him loud noises of any sort.
    BEETON. Certainly, madam.
    (He begins to leave, getting farther this time.)
    EMMALINE. And Beeton. Nothing red on the menu. Blood-red and runny. You understand.
    BEETON. I shall speak to the cook about the brandied cherries, madam.
    (He exits.)
    EMMALINE. Oh, and Beeton —
    (Zap sound. Blackout. Lights come up on the
COMEDY.
The time is summer, 1965, the place New York City.
SAMMY,
thirty, is lying on the couch and scanning the sports page, paying more attention to it than to
IRV,
forty-five, who’s reading aloud from the New York Times while striding about the room. Both speak with New York accents.)
    IRV.
(With heavy mockery.)
“Never before have the traumas