Free The Ministry of SUITs by Paul Gamble

seem slightly unbalanced to me. And when I say slightly, I mean extremely and dangerously.”
    â€œWe’d better move on before the Minister starts throwing things.” Just as Grey said this, a red-and-green-glass paperweight sailed through the gap in the door, zoomed over Grey’s head, and shattered against the wall.
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    MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
    TOOTH FAIRY
    C ONTRACTUAL R IGHTS
    Many people wonder where the Tooth Fairy obtains his contractual rights. The original contract forms part of a child’s birth certificate. Parents register children when they are born and get a birth certificate. What most parents don’t realize is that they are signing away a number of rights on behalf of their children—this is the real reason for the creation of a birth certificate. One of the pages of a birth certificate specifically says that any teeth placed below a pillow automatically become the property of the Tooth Fairy.
    It is amazing that more people do not realize the purpose of a birth certificate. After all, what is the point in having a document to prove that you were born? You exist—therefore you must have been born at some stage. The logic is simple and inescapable, therefore the document must be for some other reason than to prove the obvious fact of birth.
    A death certificate is much more important. Obviously. After all, people don’t want to be dead. Often after they die they decide to ignore the fact and carry on living. When someone tries to do this, it is absolutely vital that you have the necessary paperwork to show them that they are in fact dead and should not try and drive a motorcar or operate heavy machinery.
    An interesting connected fact is that 98 percent of zombie attacks are the result of poorly completed paperwork.
    As any civil servant will tell you, well-completed paperwork is all that stands between us and a state of anarchy.
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    12
    DINOSAURS AND HOUSEWORK
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    As they walked down the corridor Grey brushed fragments of glass paperweight out of his hair.
    â€œHow come I’ve never heard of the M-SUITs before?”
    â€œWell, we’re sort of semisecret. We call ourselves the Men in Suits.”
    â€œI’ve heard of men in suits before,” said Jack.
    â€œYes, people generally refer to any officials as men in suits. But we are actually the Men in Suits.”
    â€œAnd you deal with dinosaurs and things?”
    â€œWe deal with anything that people don’t believe in anymore. How do you think the dinosaurs died out?”
    Jack felt smug—he knew the answer to this. “Well, it was a meteorite. It hit the Earth and…”
    Grey laughed. “You really think that a single meteorite could have wiped out all the dinosaurs on Earth? How would that even work? What about dinosaurs on the other side of the Earth from where the meteorite struck?”
    Jack shrugged. “I don’t know, I think it threw up dust or something. Dust killed them … didn’t it?”
    Grey laughed even more. There was a distinct possibility that he was going to choke. “You think the dinosaurs went extinct because of dust. Because they didn’t do their housework?”
    Jack thought about it for a moment. If you could really become extinct from dust, then he risked death every time he checked under his bed for a lost pair of sneakers. “So you’re saying that dinosaurs still exist?”
    â€œOf course they do!” Grey managed to stop laughing. “Dinosaurs killed by dust? Next thing you’ll be telling me you believe that pirates were all wiped out by an unsanitary bath plug, or that vampires all died out because they couldn’t find a mop to rinse their coffins out with.”
    â€œSo what happens when people stop believing?” asked Jack indignantly.
    â€œWhen people get tired of something, or just don’t want to believe in it anymore, the Ministry steps in to deal with it. We put the