Free Soulmates by Jessica Grose Page A

because she was “a weak little ninny.” I wondered who that spunky blonde was, with her bob haircut and square glasses.
    But that was long before I started my work with Yoni. It was starting to feel like another lifetime, in fact. Now all those sharp edges that seemed so bright and shiny when we were incollege began to feel like razors, slashing up the meaningful work I’d been spending so much time on.
    But during the main course Dana asked me how the yoga was going, and seemed to truly want to know the answer. “Can you do a headstand yet? That always seemed like the most complicated thing,” Dana said.
    â€œI can! It’s not that hard when you put your mind to it,” I said. “You should come with me sometime. I think you could get something out of it. You’ve been so stressed at work lately, I think it might help you unwind.” I tried using subconscious persuasion techniques with targeted eye contact, which was something I had learned about in one of the classes at the ashram. The trick is to connect without intimidating.
    Dana was a little drunk, and I could tell she was not in the mood to fight. “Sure. I could always use some de-stressing.” Then she smiled a crooked little smile at me, and I wasn’t sure she meant it, but at the time I accepted it. I knew she was in a good mood because she even let me pay for dinner, a gesture she didn’t always make, since most of the money in our bank account came from her salary and we both knew it. She would usually say, “Why are you pretending that you’re paying for dinner? We know who is really paying for dinner.”
    We walked arm in arm up First Avenue, and while we were waiting for the light Dana leaned over and kissed me, a kiss that made my experiences at the Urban Ashram disappear, for just a little while. We went home and had the best sex we’d had in months, maybe years. In that moment, I felt like our lovemaking had reached another level, not just physically but metaphysically. I was so pleased she’d agreed to go to a class atYoni’s. Maybe she was really ready to understand the true me. But after she fell asleep, I remember that good feeling faded into a whole lot of nothing.
    DAILY AFFIRMATION :
    â€œYou cannot plan the path of a glacier.”
    â€”Lama Yoni
    At this point, though I still attended my classes at the ashram, I was trying to avoid Amaya between classes and kept our break room talks to a minimum. Things weren’t perfect with Dana, but I had made a marriage vow to her. My parents’ marriage was not the most actualized, and since my mom died my dad barely talks about her. I refused to repeat that pattern, especially considering the conversation Dana and I had the morning after Valentine’s Day.
    Dana woke up in a good mood, still beaming from our connection the night before. “I love that you’re awake with me,” she said. “It’s been so hard since we’ve been on opposite schedules. We’re like ships passing in the night.” She leaned over and kissed me, then put her head on my shoulder. “Us being together and it feeling so good . . . it makes me start thinking about making some little Ethans together, watching them running around our apartment.”
    I pulled her closer to me and said, “Mmm.” We were having a nice morning and I didn’t want to ruin it with a prolonged discussion of our child-having prospects. I always figured we’d have kids someday, but since our marriage wasn’t in the best place, I didn’t think we should rush. I didn’t want to riskbringing a brand-new soul into such a dark environment with so many conflicts.
    I didn’t even think we should plan. I’ve never been a huge planner. Dana was the planner, and I was usually happy to go along with what she envisioned. Like she’d say whenever we traveled, every marriage only needs one suitcase packer. But since