Free Paradise Lodge by Nina Stibbe

happiness among them.
    I loved the continual, ongoing gossip. Eileen telling us her technique for relieving her boyfriend in the cinema without their seat-neighbours suspecting. Not in a rude way, or to be aggressive or showy-offy, but to have an amusing conspiracy against men and their keenness to be relieved in cinemas. She told us about one boyfriend of hers who’d unexpectedly begun relieving himself during the film
Jaws
at the Odeon, Longston. Eileen had been so shocked she’d had to leave before the end (of the film).
    I very much liked hearing this stuff (the relieving of men etc.) but only in a group scenario and not if the speaker was looking at me. I used to listen intently but look down and sharpen the end of my lit cigarette by twirling it round and round in the ashtray. To this day a full communal ashtray reminds me of Nurse Eileen spitting into her hand during
Airport
.
    But things were not getting better at school. The next time I turned up for classes Miss Pitt sent for me. She had a spiteful manner.
    â€˜How are you, Lizzie?’ she asked.
    â€˜Fine,’ I said.
    â€˜I gather from your tutor that you’re frequently absent from school,’ she said. ‘I shan’t beat about the bush, Lizzie, I
am
, as warned, going to have to remove you from the “O” Level group starting from the autumn term unless you make dramatic and immediate improvement, attendance-wise.’
    She talked in paragraphs, like teachers sometimes do. It wasn’t a conversation.
    I’d been ready for a little row with her, but hadn’t expected this full-blown threat. I told her straight away I’d turn over a new leaf, attendance-wise. And I meant it.
    â€˜I have never seen a letter explaining your absences,’ she said, ‘so I would like a letter of commitment from your mother—stating that she will support your getting to school, every day.’
    â€˜ OK ,’ I said and left the office.
    Later, I wrote a letter of commitment—from my mother (blaming herself for my absences)—I made her sound like a busy mother with sore gums and breasts and signed off like this:
    Anyway, I hope you’ll accept my sincere apologies for asking Lizzie to take the occasional day off school. The thing is, I have had mild periodontal gum disease due to having a baby recently (an afterthought) as I think you know (much against my fiancé’s wishes) and Lizzie has very occasionally had to look after it while I am at work or at the dental hygienist’s etc. but all the while reading a wide range of literature with a view to taking her ‘O’ Levels next year.
    She will turn over a new leaf, attendance-wise, from September. You have my assurance.
    Yours, etc.
    Elizabeth Vogel (Mrs)
    PS : I have found a childminder.
    I dropped the letter into the Deputy Head’s office the next day and, instead of going home from school, I called in at Paradise Lodge. I needed to ask Mr Simmons for advice on the mind of his stepdaughter.
    â€˜Your stepdaughter has threatened to chuck me off the “O” Level course,’ I said. ‘Do you think she means it?’
    â€˜Yes,’ said Mr Simmons, ‘she is quite hard-hearted.’
    And by ‘quite’, he meant ‘very’.
    â€˜I hear she would prefer you to be at home, and not here,’ I ventured.
    â€˜Yes, and yet the harder the wind blows the tighter the man holds his coat around himself,’ he said and laughed.
    Mr Simmons had made a speedy convalescence after his operation and though I disliked his stepdaughter, I had to agree that his prolonged stay at Paradise Lodge was probably not entirely necessary, medically speaking. In fact, Paradise Lodge seemed like an expensive social club.
    It suited us well, though, and Mr Simmons soon became an important member of the team. He’d get up early and help with the breakfasts and then he’d go for a little walk in the village and come back