Free Tattoos: A Novel by Denise Mathew

full garbage bag from the can in my room, put a new bag in, and walked out the door without a backward glance. I was beyond shocked by his abrupt departure. I still had no idea what I’d done to piss him off, only that I had.  
    Knowing that I’d said or done something to upset him made me want to cry all over again. The inborn snob in me, said it shouldn’t have mattered what a cleaner in the hospital thought about me, but somehow it did. In fact if I were being truthful, from the moment I’d met Jax I’d felt an odd connection with him. It might have been because I’d felt so vulnerable in the hospital. Fear of the unknown was worse than anything I’d ever faced up until then. Maybe that was why I needed to connect with people more than I ever had before.  
    “Hey Marilee.”  
    I popped my head up. My best friend Courtney strolled into the room with a chocolate brown colored teddy bear and an oversized bouquet of yellow roses in her hands. She wore distressed skinny jeans and a lose fitting sheer white black polka dot blouse. I admired how her dark hair was shiny and straight. I couldn’t help but be jealous. I’d lost more weight than I could afford, and with my hair falling out at a disturbing speed, I’d gone from being the pretty girl to less than zero. Courtney embodied all the things I’d taken for granted for so long. I just wanted her to leave. It was painful to witness her normalcy when my whole world was spinning out of control.
    I shot Courtney a weak smile and stretched my arms out to her, using every bit of my will to make the gesture seem as genuine as possible. She gave me a quick hug then perched on the end of the bed, studying me. I touched my hair, suddenly self conscious. Courtney had always been pretty but now she seemed absolutely stunning. I longed to be the friend visiting, not the cancer patient.
    “I brought you these,” she said. She passed me the flowers and teddy bear. I brought the roses to my nose, they were beautiful but I was disappointed that they hardly had any smell.
    “Thanks Court, that was really sweet of you,” I said.  
    “How are you doing anyway?” she said.  
    The same benign question that people asked each other every day, felt like a stab through my heart. She only had to look at me to see that I wasn’t doing well. Was she so stupid that she couldn’t see that I was so pale that I was almost translucent. Or that whatever hair I had was dull and greasy no matter how many times I’d washed it. Couldn’t she see that I was not even close to all right, in fact I was the farthest from all right that I’d ever been.
    “Fine,” I said with little conviction. Courtney smiled brightly. It only made me feel worse. How could she smile when every moment of the day I was suffering?  
    At my monosyllabic response Courtney, who I’d always considered the best friend I’d ever had, began to relay the mindless banter that still mattered to her. She talked about school, the Prom committee, the latest guy she was dating, who just happened to be an ex-boyfriend of mine. Of course she didn’t leave out the details about all the amazing new clothes, purses and shoes she’d bought since I’d been in the hospital.  
    “You know it’s not as fun shopping without you there,” she said. As if her statement could wipe away all thoughts about my life’s problems. I was irritated that once again tears burned at the back of my eyes. I hated that I’d become what I despised the most, a cry baby who broke down at nothing at all, just like Mom. A part of me knew I was being bitter, but I didn’t have the strength to take the higher road.
    Luckily Courtney seemed too entrenched in her monologue to notice that I was wilting before her eyes. I stared past her, letting her words flow around me and away. I closed my eyes. Not long after I heard Jax’s voice.
    “Sorry to interrupt, but I was told to take you to X-ray,” he said.
    I cocked my head to the side. “X-ray? I