Free America's Dumbest Criminals by Daniel Butler

an aspirin!”

58
    Camera Hog
    A n officer in Indiana told us of a very photogenic crook who insisted on arranging his own close-ups. This criminal specialized in safecracking. He was highly skilled, extremely thorough, and—at the same time—incredibly dumb.
    Our safecracking star had targeted a small local business that kept more than seven thousand dollars in cash in a safe. There were no alarms, and the safe was an older model, relatively easy to crack. But when the criminal arrived at “work,” he discovered a couple of video surveillance cameras in the building.
    That wouldn’t do. After all, nobody likes to work with someone watching over his shoulder, right? So our resourceful crook set about making his workplace more comfortable. He found a ladder, climbed up with his screwdriver, and proceeded to take the lens off each camera.
    Now, the big problem with most video surveillance is that you really can’t get close enough for a really good picture of the criminal’s face. The quality is not that good, and the perpetrators are usually too far away for the ceiling-mounted cameras to capture a good image. But our star safecracker took care of that problem for the local police. While he diligently worked with his screwdriver right in front of the camera, he also provided the officers with the best close-up they’d ever seen—right down to the smallest wrinkle and mole. Meanwhile, the camera across the room was providing a full-length view of him working on the first camera.
    The video was picture-perfect, and the safecracker was quickly apprehended.
    Smile—you’re a dumb criminal!

59
    Another Crime of Passion
    I t’s an age-old story of love, lust, and automobiles— with a new twist brought on by the current Age of Litigation.
    A young couple became amorous in a car parked along their town’s notorious Lover’s Lane. They were in the throes of passion when another car pulled in slowly in front of them. The driver considerately turned off his lights. But then, trying to back up in the dark, the new arrival bumped into the lovers’ car.
    The couple sued the other motorist’s insurance company for child support. The lovers claimed the fender bender outside the car caused another little accident inside the car. The bump from the untimely collision allegedly caused them both to momentarily “lose control”—and the result was an accidental pregnancy.
    That’s one for the record books—the first and only case (we hope) of a fender bender resulting in a “love child.”

60
    Once Bitten, Twice Bitten
    S ergeant Doug Baldwin in Pensacola, Florida, was dispatched to assist in a high-speed car chase. He responded immediately and soon was hot on the tail of the speeding vehicle.
    Suddenly, the suspect’s car veered off to the side of the road. The driver’s door sprang open, and the driver bolted from the car. By the time Baldwin could get out of his own car and follow on foot the suspect had disappeared.
    A search of the fugitive’s car uncovered a quantity of drugs. Now he was wanted for possession, speeding, and resisting arrest. But he was nowhere to be found. An extensive canvass of the area proved fruitless. After hours of searching, the officers were ready to call off the search, but Sergeant Baldwin decided to again check the area.
    Looking behind an auto mechanic’s shop, Baldwin heard something. It sounded like a man whispering “ouch” and quietly cursing. Officer Baldwin traced the sound to a car up on blocks. He bent down, looked underneath the car, and saw a bare-chested man twitching wildly on the ground.
    The officer called to the squirming man, who identified himself as the suspect. “You’re under arrest,” Baldwin said.
    â€œOkay, but hurry up!” the man pleaded. “You’ve got to get me away from all these mosquitoes; they’re about to bite me to