Free Bad Moon E-Zine #1 - New Moon by Tom Laimer-Read Page B

the
end of it, whether he succeeded or not. He had spent some time in a
correctional facility, where they had tried to cheer him up, which
was more like torture than anything he could have imagined or
embarked upon. It had broken him down even further. He didn’t see
much hope left in the future of being a criminal mastermind, or
anything apart from simple dentistry. You knew where you were with
people’s teeth. Still, there was this, his new invention, perhaps
it would help perk him up a bit?
    The Gloomsday
Device was an intriguing development. It had come to him whilst he
was tinkering around in his workshop. He had inadvertently dropped
a hammer on his foot, then bent over to pick it up and injured
himself. This made him think that the universe was an inherently
malicious place that was out to get him and everyone else within
it. What Dr Gloom had considered was a way to magnify this into a
wave beam that intensified the instances of calamities and
cataclysms taking place, in a way that would hopefully destroy the
entire world, and with any luck take Dr Gloom down with it.
    “Shall we try
it then?” asked Dr Gloom.
    “Why not?”
replied Flaubert. “It’s as good a time as any.”
    “NOT SO FAST!”
came a call from across the hanger hallway. It was Captain
Saccharine himself, and he had his assistant Candy Rock with
him.
    “I wasn’t
doing anything particularly fast,” replied Dr Gloom, bluntly and
gloomily.
    “I didn’t mean
it like that!” exclaimed Captain Saccharine. “I just want you to
stop and reconsider what you’re doing!”
    Captain
Saccharine’s attempts to reason calmly with the super villains was
what drove many of them to insanity. His repeated attempts to
‘understand the other guy’ and ‘see it from their point of view’
were incredibly infuriating, and Dr Gloom was almost certain that
he only did it to enrage his opponents. It was a highly successful
technique, whatever the case.
    “I have
considered it and reconsidered it at length, Saccharine. It seems
like the only sensible course of action to take. At least, the only
course of action to help this horrific, insipid planet.”
    “How can you
say that, Gloom? You’re just down in the dumps and mopey! C’mon,
cheer up mate! It might never happen!”
    Gloom looked
over at Saccharine and then at the Gloomsday Device. With enemies
like that, who needed friends, or anyone for that matter? Time to
end the whole sorry escapade. He reached forwards.
    “Wait!” cried
Saccharine’s assistant, Candy Rock. “I know why you’re doing
this!”
    “Why?” said
Gloom. “Because I’m sick of it all, that’s why!”
    “Yes, but why
did this all start, hey? Because of your dental assistant leaving
you, that’s why!”
    “What?
B-b-but... how did you know?!”
    Candy Rock
stepped forwards and unveiled herself.
    “Because that
dental nurse... WAS ME!”
    “Shirley! It
was you all this time!”
    “Yes, Norman.
I’m sorry. I should’ve said. I thought that you would’ve realised.
I mean, it was fairly obvious, wasn’t it?”
    “Now you come
to mention it, it was something of an oversight.”
    “Anyway, I’m
sick of this droning goiter! He’s so optimistic all of the time,
it’s really annoying. I’ve had enough of it all! I want to join
you!”
    “Really?”
    Dr Gloom had
not foreseen this turn of events. He had to be careful though.
Perhaps it was a trap. After all, he’d been stung before, all those
many years ago.
    Captain
Saccharine stepped forwards too, visibly hobbling and having
trouble with his movements.
    “I’m sorry,
Norman. It was my fault, really. You just weren’t quick enough off
the mark, as usual, so I had to step in and take a chance where and
when I saw it.”
    “What do you
mean... oh, you’re the confectionary salesman from Chichester,
aren’t you?”
    “Yes, that’s
the one. Shortly after Shirley and I eloped, I fell into a vat of
hazardous confectionary products, and they changed me into