Free I'm with Stupid by Geoff Herbach

brother,” I said. We walked for a minute or two, then I said, “Do you think I’m really like Dad?”
    â€œI do,” Tovi said. “Totally.”
    â€œWhy? How exactly?” I asked. I knew I looked like him and we were good at sports and crap. But Jerri had told me that we weren’t alike otherwise.
    â€œYou have a killer instinct,” Tovi said.
    â€œAll great competitors have a killer instinct,” I said.
    â€œI mean…I mean…” Tovi paused.
    Andrew stopped walking. He grabbed her wrist. “What?” he asked.
    Tovi spoke to Andrew, which I guess was easier than speaking to me. “Felton just has this vibe. It’s like this coiled thing. It’s like if the wind blows the wrong way, he might destroy somebody’s face.”
    â€œOh,” Andrew said, nodding. He looked up at me. “Remember when you kicked the doorframe by the bathroom and the lights went out and that picture of me, you, and Jerri fell off the wall upstairs?” Andrew asked.
    I sort of heard him, but I wasn’t thinking about my door kick. I was thinking how fast I pinned Nolan Sauter’s neck to a locker and how good that felt. I was thinking about how close I was to killing Karpinski because he got away with bullying little schmucks, which sucks, which made me want to destroy (and if I was going to protect dipshits, wasn’t that a good thing?).
    â€œThat’s life. That’s who I am,” I said.
    â€œThat’s exactly who your dad was too. Wound tight, man.”
    â€œAre you scared of me?” I asked Tovi.
    â€œMe? Hell no. You’re not going to mess me up. I actually feel awesome when we’re together because I know you could kill just about everybody.”
    Andrew nodded thoughtfully. “That’s why Tommy Bode likes you so much. He’s your Pig Boy.”
    I shook my head. “What? How do you know about that?” I asked.
    â€œI’m not dead,” Andrew said. “I’m in Florida, but I have a cell phone and email and friends. Bony Emily tells me everything.”
    â€œOkay,” I said. “Well, I’m proud of protecting the little people.”
    â€œYou’re protecting a pig boy? Do people want to make him into bacon?” Tovi asked.
    â€œNo. They’re just mean to him.”
    â€œYou’re nice, man,” Tovi said.
    â€œAre you going to hurt others to protect him?” Andrew asked.
    â€œI don’t know. I don’t think I have to really. Nobody messes with me, Andrew.”
    â€œBut…but…but…” Andrew stuttered.
    â€œWhat, man? Get it out,” Tovi said.
    â€œAren’t you just pouring more mean into the world?” Andrew asked.
    â€œNo,” I said. “No. I’m not doing anything. Just keeping Tommy Bode from getting his ass kicked all the time.”
    â€œSeriously. That sounds awesome,” Tovi said.
    â€œYeah. I suppose,” Andrew said.
    ***
    New Year’s Eve, Tovi’s mom, Evith, came down from Atlanta and we all went out to a giant buffet at the club in Grandpa Stan’s golf community. This was something I was looking forward to. Growing up with hippie Jerri, I didn’t have the opportunity to attend many buffets.
    Last fall, I went to an “all you can eat” buffet with Cody Frederick and his dad and it was maybe the best day I’ve ever had in my entire life. I probably ate ten pounds.
    During the New Year’s Eve dinner, I became vaguely aware that Evith and Grandpa were staring at me. I had ham in my mouth and I was cutting a piece of prime rib and my plate (third plate) had maybe three pounds of mashed potatoes piled on it. I looked up (felt the stares). Evith and Grandpa stared back.
    â€œWhuh?” I said, mouth full of ham.
    Evith shook her head. “Like seeing a ghost,” she said.
    â€œThis is what I’m saying,” Grandpa said to her.
    â€œFelton is sitting at the