Free Liturgical Mysteries 02 The Baritone Wore Chiffon by Mark Schweizer Page A

continued.
    "Obviously the Old Testament contains many direct references to aliens. In fact, the word 'alien' occurs no fewer than one hundred seven times in the New International Version alone."
    "One reason that these strange and wondrous beings may be hesitant to come forward now is found in Exodus 12:48. 'An alien living among you who wants to celebrate the Lord's Passover must have all the males in his household circumcised.' We of the Raelian religion feel that circumcising aliens would not be in our best interest. And any alien that has been circumcised by mistake should be duly compensated. To that end, we have begun a movement to re-grow our foreskins for implantation to the aliens when they arrive."
    This was greeted with howls of laughter as Brother Julian adjusted his glasses.
    "What's going on up here?" said a stern voice belonging to Father Barna. He had just left the other workshop to check on my progress.
    "We're finding our inner clown," said Meg, wiping tears from her eyes.

    •••

    The priest left with a scowl on his face. It was a good probability that Princess Foo-Foo was having a lot less fun than we were.
    "Our next guest," I continued, "is Brother Harley Ray Hammond from the Apostolic Four-Square Pentecostal Holiness Temple of God with Signs Following. Brother Harley Ray?"
    "Aw crap," came a voice from the back of the room.
    "Is there a problem, Brother Harley Ray?"
    "Call me Harl."
    "Is there a problem, Harl?" I asked. Everyone had turned around in their seats to look.
    "Yep," said Harl. "It seems like, in all the ruckus, my snakes has ekscaped."

    •••

    The choir gathered for rehearsal in the loft, most of them still laughing.
    "What about the snakes?" asked Jeanie Smart, one of our new altos. "It's not that I'm scared of snakes. It's just that I don't want them to sneak up on me. Especially rattlesnakes."
    "Well I'm scared of snakes," said Rebecca Watts, near panic. "Was he kidding? I thought he was kidding! He let rattlesnakes out? I thought he was kidding!"
    "I don't think they're actually rattlesnakes," I said, trying to calm Rebecca down.
    "What kind are they?" asked Beverly, "And how many?"
    "There were two," I said. "Maybe three. Four, tops…Ok, five that got away. They're Eastern Hognose snakes. They're totally harmless, but they look very much like rattlesnakes. They were part of Harley Ray's presentation."
    "Hognose snakes are quite timid," said Fred May from the back row. "I used to keep them when I was a kid. They'll even play dead if they feel threatened."
    "If I see one, it had better be dead!" said Rebecca.
    "I'm sure they'll all be rounded up by tomorrow," I said, trying to still the restless waters. "The pest control folks are coming in. They're very thorough. Now let's look at the anthem for Sunday. Of course, a week from Sunday there will be something completely different."
    "We really like your detective story," said Georgia, changing the subject and pulling several chapters out of her folder. "It makes for good reading during the service. I'm taking mine home so Dewayne can read it."
    "Please don't encourage him," said Meg. "He'll just keep writing."
    "I hear you're giving a reading to an English class," said Fred.
    Meg's head dropped into her hands.
    "Why, yes I am. I'm hoping to inspire them."
    "Aren't we going to rehearse the clown anthems?" asked Jeanie, changing the subject again.
    "I don't think there are actually any clown anthems. At least I haven't been informed that there are."
    Jeanie smiled. I could see she knew something that she wasn't telling.
    "OK," I said. "Spill it."
    "Well, I heard," she began in her tell-all voice, "that Shea Maxwell is going to sing Send in the Clowns for communion. Only with different words."
    "Really," I said. "No one's given me any music for that."
    "Oh, you won't need it," said Beverly. "She's using an accompaniment CD."
    The entire choir laughed as my head hit the console of the organ with a loud thump.
    "Am I the only one who