Free Liturgical Mysteries 02 The Baritone Wore Chiffon by Mark Schweizer

Raelian Revolution, the world's largest UFO related, non-profit, religious organization, has over 60,000 members in 90 countries. The Raelians are working towards building the first embassy to welcome people from space while sweeping the world with a fearlessly individualistic philosophy of non-conformism."
    "Mr. Mayberry," I said. "Why don't you tell us about your views and how you came to the Raelian religion."
    Julian Mayberry took the floor. He was a slightly built man, balding with old-fashioned, horn-rimmed glasses. His real name was Will Purser, and he was on the theater faculty at Lees-McRae College in Banner Elk. I only hoped he'd done his homework.
    Julian Mayberry, a.k.a. Will Purser, pulled a three by five index card from the inside pocket of his tweed jacket, adjusted his glasses, cleared his throat and began to read nervously.
    "The Raelians were founded," he read in a quavering voice, "in 1973 by our father, Rael. He teaches us that aliens told the story of the Bible to ancient man, but because they were so primitive, they worshipped the aliens as gods also. How does Rael know this?"
    He looked around the room as if expecting an answer, but everyone was sitting stock still, their mouths hanging open.
    "Because the aliens told him, of course!" He let out a high pitched little squeal of joy that I took to be a laugh.
    Julian Mayberry was nothing like the Will I knew. Will was a serious, confident man with a moderated, low-pitched voice, inclined to smiling for no apparent reason, and slow and deliberate in his speech. Julian, in contrast, was a nervous, twittering fellow that reminded me, more than anyone else, of Don Knotts in his heyday. Perhaps that's the character Will was drawing from – Julian's fictitious last name being Mayberry.
    Julian continued, "The aliens also told him that we were created using DNA from scientists from another world and that they'll be needing an embassy when they land in Quebec. We have about half the money raised to fund the building of the embassy."
    "Now you know, Mr. Mayberry," I said, true to the script, "that we are Episcopalian and find all this sort of far-fetched. Is there anything Biblically based about the Raelian Religion?"
    "I'm glad you asked. I can prove quite conclusively that aliens are at work in the Biblical writings."
    "Really?"
    "In Matthew, I think," he said, putting the first card in his side pocket and pulling another from the inside of his jacket. "No, John. Here it is. John 10:16. 'I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen.' Here Jesus is obviously talking about aliens."
    "In that particular passage," I said, "we feel that he's talking about the Gentiles."
    "That's one interpretation, I suppose," he said sullenly. "What about this then?"
    He pulled yet another card from his jacket.
    "In the Old Testament, it says that Gepetto was swallowed by a whale."
    "By a great fish, actually," I said. "And I believe it was Jonah."
    "Fine! By a great fish then. The point is that if Jonah was in the belly of a great fish for three days and nights, he would suffocate."
    "I concede the point," I said.
    "Not only that," he said, flipping his card over and quickly scanning the second side, presumably to get his facts right. "Jonah says in verse six, 'I went down and saw the bottoms of the mountains...' Now how could Jonah possibly see the bottoms of the mountains if he was inside the fish? Unless…" He paused, looking smugly around the room.
    "Unless," he squeaked excitedly. "Unless the FISH HAD WINDOWS! You see, it couldn’t really be a fish at all, but something that Jonah, in his limited experience with extra-terrestrial beings, took to be a fish, but was, in reality, a spaceship. Possibly Egyptian."
    Most of the class had caught on by this time and were giggling loudly. The few remaining folks, still oblivious to the ruse, were trying to hush them up in a useless effort to remain polite to our guest.
    Julian pulled out yet another card and