Free International Kittens of Mystery by Chris Dolley

Four: Combat
    This week's lessons focus on the noble – and sometimes sneaky – art of self-defense. First up we have Xena demonstrating ‘The Unexpected Neck Bite.’

    A devastating maneuver in the right paws, this stratagem relies on low cunning, surprise, and picking the right target. The best targets being the gullible, the star-struck, and the well behaved. Young Kai qualifies on all three counts.
    First, you tell your mark to sit very still and look at the camera. Tell him it’s an important photo shoot. Then, while his brain is distracted by thoughts of a future modeling career – maybe even a move to the catwalks of Milan – the cunning kitten strikes.
    Of course there are repercussions for using such a maneuver.
    Even a well-behaved kitten will want instant and disproportionate revenge.

    Here's a useful tip for those moments – and we all have them – when you're pinned to the floor having your leg bitten. It's called ‘The Xena’ and it's a must for all warrior kittens.
    First, bring up your back legs ready to push your assailant off. Second, and this is where the move gets its name, you throw your head and ears back, open your mouth as wide as it will go ... then flex that spine, spring forward, and let loose your warrior yell in the nearest ear drum of your assailant.
    As the deafened foe's grip relaxes, you catapult him or her off with your back legs.
And quickly pin them.

    Here we see Xena demonstrating the artful use of one’s surroundings. As Kai approaches, she swiftly constructs a fort out of empty boxes she'd seen lying on the floor earlier. Note the precision of her work and how a three box fort can defeat even the stretchiest cat.
Finally, we have Kai demonstrating the noble art of self-defense as written down by the Marquis of Queensbury's cat, Tyson.
    Note the perfect guard: left paw tucked in to protect the chin, right paw preparing to jab, knees flexed ready to pounce. Only an illegal tail tug could breach this defense.

Five: Squeezing Into Very Tight Spaces
    Enemies of the civilized world come in all sizes. And international kittens of mystery must pursue them – even when they’re very small and hide in difficult-to-get-to places. Just because the enemy agent’s a beetle doesn’t mean it should be allowed to escape. Hence IKoM’s motto: We always get our mouse.

    Today’s training exercise is all about squeezing into very tight places. Here we see Kai – a kitten of a slightly portly disposition – showing some surprise, a modicum of shock, and a whole bowlful of doubt upon learning that he was first up to attempt the ‘crawling under the chest of draws’ task.
    Yes, kittens, even a stunt kitten of Kai's stature can have doubts. Especially after a couple of voles between meals. The gap looks only two or three inches wide!

    But just to show that even the larger kitten can squeeze into unexpected places, here we see Kai demonstrating the ‘low walk’ – the classic method of inching into small gaps.
    Note the head pushed in as far as it will go, the low shoulders, the flattened chest and the back legs pushing from behind.

    Here we see the same shot from a different angle. Note the left leg tucked under the body for extra leverage.
    But sometimes – for really small gaps – the low walk just doesn't cut it and you have to get splayed.
    No, come back, I said sp-l-ayed not spayed.

    And to prove it here we see Kai employing the 'flat cat' position and posting himself into the gap. Now, I expect some of you are thinking, "doesn't Kai look kinda stuck?"
    You wouldn’t be alone. Kai was thinking the same thing.

    Which is why all training camps have an abundant supply of grease, for those times when kittens get wedged.

Six: First Contact Negotiations Go Horribly Wrong!

    Kai the drenched kitten looks up in horror as the alien death ray device (aka the hair drier) looms in from above. Xena