Free Academic Exercises by K. J. Parker Page B

and the brains, and the application and the self-discipline. I passed the exam and I was at the Studium for five years. Like you,” he added.
    I let that go. “You joined the Order.”
    “No.” The flat voice had gone; there was a flare of anger. “No, I failed matriculation. I retook it the next year, but I failed again. They sent me back to my parish, but by then they’d got someone else. So I ended up wandering about, looking for teaching work, letter-writing, anything I could do to earn a living. There’s not a lot you can do, of course.”
    Suddenly I felt bitter cold, right through. Took me a moment to realise it was fear. “So you came here,” I said, just to keep him talking.
    “Eventually. A lot of other places first, but here’s where I ended up.” He lifted his head abruptly. “They sent you here to deal with me, am I right?”
    I didn’t reply.
    “Of course they did,” he said. “Of course. I’m a nuisance, a pest, a menace to agriculture. You came here to dig me up and cut my head off.”
    This time, I was the one who had to speak against my will. “Yes.”
    “Of course,” he said. “But I can’t let you do that. It’s my—”
    He’d been about to say life. Presumably he tried to find another way of phrasing it, then gave up. We both knew what he meant.
    “You passed the exams, then,” he said.
    “Barely,” I replied. “Two hundred seventh out of two hundred twenty.”
    “Which is why you’re here.”
    His white eyes in the ash-white moonlight. “That’s right,” I said. “They don’t give out research posts if you come two hundred seventh.”
    He nodded gravely. “Commercial work,” he said.
    “When I can get it,” I replied. “Which isn’t often. Others far more qualified than me.”
    He grunted. It could have been sympathy. “Public service work.”
    “Afraid so,” I replied.
    “Which is why you’re here.” He lifted his head and rolled it round on his shoulders, like someone waking up after sleeping in a chair. “Because—well, because you aren’t much good. Well?”
    I resented that, even though it was true. “It’s not that I’m not good,” I said. “It’s just that everyone in my year was better than me.”
    “Of course.” He leaned forward, his hands braced on his knees. “The question is,” he said, “do I still have the gift, after what happened to me. If I’ve still got it, your job is going to be difficult.”
    “If not,” I said.
    “Well,” he replied, “I suppose we’re about to find out.”
    “Indeed,” I said. “There could be a paper for the journals in this.”
    “Your chance to escape from obscurity,” he said solemnly. “Under different circumstances, I’d wish you well. Unfortunately, I really don’t want you cutting off my head. It’s a miserable existence, but—”
    I could see his point. His voice was quite human now; if I’d known him before, I’d have recognised him. He had his back to the moon, so I couldn’t see the features of his face.
    “What I’m trying to say is, you don’t have to do it,” he said. “Go away. Go home. Nobody knows you came out here tonight. I promise I’ll stay away until you’ve gone. If I don’t show up, you can report that there was no direct evidence of an infestation, and therefore you didn’t feel justified in desecrating what was probably an innocent grave.”
    “But you’ll be back,” I said.
    “Yes, and no doubt they’ll send someone else,” he said. “But it won’t be you.”
    I was tempted. Of course I was tempted. For one thing, he was a rational creature; with my eyes shut, if I hadn’t known better, I’d have said he was a natural man with a heavy cold. And what if the gift did survive death? He’d kill me. I had to admit it to myself; the thought that I could get killed doing this job hadn’t occurred to me. I’d anticipated a quick, grisly hour’s work in broad daylight; no risk.
    I’m not a coward, but I appreciate the value of fear, the way