Free 40 Something - Safety by Shannon Peel Page A

women.”
    We both break
out laughing. Her laugh fills the store. I really like her.
     

 
Lindsay
     
    I’m
nervous.
    I’m Fucking
shaking.
    The butterflies
flying around my guts are more like popcorn being made in a hot air
popper striking my insides at full speed. I pace around the room
glancing at the door waiting. The waiting is killing me. Doubt
floods my mind. Will she be angry with me? Will she even remember
me? Will she talk to me or just sit in that corner and cry?
    I glance down
at my dress, and smooth it out. It’s matronly. Probably the only
matronly thing I own. My lawyer insisted I dress modestly. I hope
this is modest enough. I start pacing again, from the window to the
door to the window. Waiting. I glance at the clock on the wall.
She’s late. Fear grips me by the throat and I can’t breathe. She’s
not coming. The fucking asshole changed his mind, court order or
not.
    The door
opens.
    I close my eyes
too scared to see.
    “Hello
Momma.”
    I open my eyes
and there is my baby. My sweet baby girl. So beautiful. I don’t
move. I’m frozen to the spot. Fear is gripping harder will she turn
and run?
    “Baby.” I can
feel the smile on my face its huge.
    She walks in
timid and unsure looking behind her at the social worker who nods
and with that, she turns around and runs to me.
    “Mommy.”
    I fall to my
knees and take her in my arms, tears stream down my face. I don’t
care. I don’t want to let her go. I hold her tighter to me. Trying
to make her a part of me. I can feel her body shaking as she sobs
along with me. Three months is a long time to not see your
daughter. Three fucking months and all I get is an hour with her. I
can feel the anger at the injustice of it, but now isn’t the time
for anger.
    I inhale the
scent of my daughter’s hair, trying to commit it to my long term
memory, again. I feel her body so close to mine. I hold her, mould
her to me, I wish I could put her back. Put her back inside my
womb, where she was with me all the time. I wish I would of
treasured those moments instead of hating every second of being
pregnant. I was so dumb.
    “Mommy too
tight.”
    “Oh sorry baby.
Sorry. Mommy missed you so much.”
    I ease off but
I don’t let her go. I can’t look her in the face yet. I am so
ashamed. I tried to be a good mom with Evelyn. I did things with
her. I even read to her. We had tea parties and shopping trips. We
had spa days. All the things I’d never done with Destiny.
    “Mommy. I
brought you a present.”
    “You did? I
brought you a present too.”
    She bought me a
beautiful silver necklace with an intricate pendant of a mother and
child in a heart. She put it on my neck.
    “I’ll never
take it off.” I promise her.
    “And I’ll never
take off mine.” She pulls an identical necklace from her pocket and
I put it on her. “Now we will always be together mommy. No matter
where I go.” I smile. She looks sad. “I’m sorry mommy.”
    “Sorry? What
for baby?”
    “I’m sorry that
I go away on trips with father and leave you behind. I don’t want
to, but father says you can’t come. You can’t leave here, so you
have to stay. I want to stay, I do. I don’t want to go away all the
time.”
    “Oh sweetie you
have nothing to feel sorry about. You get to see the world. You get
to see so much that I never get to see. I want you to take lots of
pictures and send them to me. I want to see what you are doing.
That way I’ll be there with you. I want you to have fun and see the
world OK? That’s why your daddy takes you with him on his
trips.”
    “You don’t want
me here with you?”
    “Oh baby.” The
tears are falling again and my heart is breaking. “I want you here
with me so bad it hurts me here inside.”
    “Then why can’t
I stay with you?”
    “Who would take
care of daddy?”
    “He has
people.”
    “He needs his
little girl. He needs his little girl to help him be happy and
young, so he’ll live a long time.”
    “Don’t you