Free 40 Something - Safety by Shannon Peel

 
Past
     
Charlie
     
    I look like a
pig.
    Not a cute
little piglet.
    I mean a fat
sow just before the slaughter. I’m wearing a shift dress that is
too tight. I’m popping out of the top of it, which is par for the
course for most clothes, and I’d rip the seams if I sat down.
    I hate
shopping.
    Clothes just
don’t fit me right. If a dress or shirt fits my bust line it is too
big everywhere else on me. If I buy something that fits the rest of
me, it pulls tight across the bust. In this case, I swear the
sizing is wrong. I hate finding clothes.
    That’s not even
the worst part of shopping for clothes.
    I’m a Plus
size. There I said it. I am a size 18, 4 sizes larger than what
retail considers desirable.
    Retail stores
hate plus sized women.
    Don’t believe
me? Walk into any store that sells both regular sizes and plus
sizes.
    Where do they
put the plus sizes? In the far back corner usually reserved for the
clearance items no one wants except at cut-rate prices. If that’s
not enough to convince you that us plus size girls are despised by
the fashion industry, take a look at the clothes offered to us.
    I can walk into
a store and see a cute dress displayed on a perfect, perky, plastic
mannequin in the front. It would suit my hourglass figure as it
comes in at the waist, however, the largest size it comes in is 14.
I head to the corner of shame in the back to see if I can find it
in my size. I can’t.
    Nothing cute
comes in my size. OK, so it has gotten better over the years and
now one can find clothes that were actually designed for larger,
curvier, women. They aren’t cute though and the selection at any
given time is a quarter of what there is at the front of the store.
In fact, most fashion stores don’t even carry a plus size section,
cutting a plus sized woman’s options down even further.
    So, here I am
standing in the changing room, looking at myself in the mirror and
wondering why the fashion industry hates me so much. Why are cute
clothes only designed for women with no curves? It’s like if a
woman has breasts and hips she is not sexually desirable, she’s
ugly. Who designs this stuff anyway?
    I start
laughing. The answer is so simple I can’t believe I didn’t think of
it before. Whether or not I am worthy enough of beautiful clothes,
that suit my body, is determined by a very outspoken, judgemental,
image crazed group of gay men and super thin skeletal women.
    And whom do
they find attractive? Young boys.
    OK. So this
theory might be complete bollocks, but it makes me feel better as I
stand in front of a three way mirror in an ill fitting dress
designed for a mannequin and not a real women.
    “What’s so
funny?”
    I turn and see
this gorgeous woman who is probably ten years younger than me.
She’s leggy, with the right sized boobs for the outfit she’s
wearing. At that moment my theory about gay men designing clothes
for women who look like boys flies out of my head and I feel like a
fat, ugly, sow again.
    “Uhm nothing
really.”
    “You know that
dress is all wrong for you.”
    “Ya. I kind of
got that.” I look down at myself and want to gag.
    “You need
something that comes in tighter here at the waist, is looser along
the bust and then you’d be hot stuff.” Oh, I like her.
    “Hi. I’m
Charlie.”
    “I’m Lindsay.
You know there has to be something come on let’s take a look shall
we?”
    “Lead the
way.”
    She grabs a
handful of dresses and has me try them on and model them for her.
Each dress more ill fitting than the last and I’m getting more and
more frustrated. Beside this woman I am ugly, fat, and worthless. I
look in the mirror and wonder what man would even look at me, let
alone want to get to know me, looking like this? Only the
desperate, depraved, and discarded. It’s feels so unfair. I am a
smart, successful, amazing woman and I repulse every decent quality
man I walk by.
    “I mean really
who designs this crap?” She asks.
    “Gay men who
hate curvy