Free Sex and the High Command by John Boyd

shoes.”
    Suddenly, the senator threw back his head and half snorted, “Why, Dem, if you had an ounce of br… excuse me. Mr. President, may I recommend that you rise above your constitutional principles, suspend habeas corpus, and outlaw Vita-Lerp.”
    “I’ve got the historians to think of,” the President said.
    “For us, there’ll be no historians,” the senator said.
    “Nevertheless, I have my own integrity,” the President said, “and I have Alternate Plan B.”
    “Mr. President,” the voice of Primrose cracked through the room, “may I remind you that we have not discussed Alternate Plan B!”
    “What is Alternate Plan B?” Mr. Powers asked.
    “Military! Closed!” the admiral snapped.
    Surprisingly, the President turned to Mr. Powers with an almost gentle look. “Alternate Plan B, Mr. Powers, will be invoked only by me. I would not ask my advisers to share that responsibility.” The President fell back into his chair, as if recoiling from the thought of Alternate Plan B, but the chief drew his attention.
    “Mr. President, y’all wanting me to run for President?”
    “That’s the idea. Chief.”
    “How long would I be electioneering?”
    “Less than two months, after the convention which is roughly three weeks from now.”
    “But, Mr. President, I’ll have to resign from the Navy, and, sir, I’d lose my pension.”
    “Your pension as a former President will be more.”
    “I never done no politicking. I could lose that election.”
    “We assume your opponent will be an amateur, also. We’ll use the three weeks to train you in public speaking and to teach you formal English. Once you’ve won. Senator Dubois will handle administrative chores.”
    “Chief,” the admiral interjected, “I’ve weighed this matter from your point of view. You’ll be granted a leave of absence from the Navy which will permit you to return if you should lose the election, and you’ll receive, as of today, an appointment to rank of commander, USN.”
    “As of right now,” the President added. “Make a note, Mr. Culpepper, that Commander McCormick’s new pay base commenced at four forty-five p.m., Washington time.”
    “Welcome aboard, Commander,” the admiral said.
    Surprisingly, the new commander still bridled. “But, sir, I got three weeks shore leave coming and I figured on heading for the hills to shag me a bride.”
    “Commander,” the President said, “it’ll be extremely difficult to find a virgin in three weeks. Vita-Lerp has spread like wildfire and we old married hands can tell you that your marriage won’t last.”
    “Then, sir, I’d better get mine while the getting’s good.”
    Oglethorpe Pickens spoke up. “Mr. President, I should think that the resources of the federal government, abetted by the FBI, should be able to provide one nubile hill girl to permit the commander to woo while he works.”
    “I agree,” the attorney general said. “Mr. Powers, perhaps your bureau’s Knoxville chief might…”
    “Are you suggesting that we kidnap some young lady, Axminister?” the President asked.
    “Mr. President,” Mr. Powers interrupted, “I won’t need the Knoxville chief. The young lady will come of her own free will. I’ve got John Pope.”
    “Who is John Pope?” the President asked.
    “John Pope is one of my operatives who has never failed a mission. He comes from those hills, and he’s got a gentle way of looking that can persuade a woman to do anything or a hoodlum to sing.” He turned to Commander McCormick. “You want a woman. Commander? OK! I’ll send you a Bertillon chart and you check off her measurements. John Pope will fill the order promptly and in detail.”
    “I’m not particular, sir. I just want me some pretty little mountain doozy, not over eighteen, with a good shape, who can cook crackling bread.”
    “With or without the hymen?” Mr. Powers barked.
    “Well, if I was going to take the job, what with this John Pope being so powerfully