Free Horde (Enclave Series) by Ann Aguirre

my life finishing on a bloody note, surrounded by Freaks. Until now, I’d always accepted the obligation to make that sacrifice for the good of the whole.
    Those rules didn’t apply anymore. I was allowed to want things. More, to strive for them.
    Belatedly, I realized she was waiting for an answer. “We’re promised.”
    “Ah,” she said. “Well, you should go tend him before somebody else does. I see young Maureen looking him up and down like he’s a sweet she wants to try.”
    “We’ll see about that.” I clenched my jaw and picked a careful path through all the pallets strewn on the floor.
    Fade was saying in a taut voice, “I’m fine. I don’t need medical attention.”
    “But your arm—” she started, reaching for him.
    When he jerked out of range before she touched him, I knew a little shock of relief. It was small and wrong, no doubt, but his reaction proved that he wasn’t being difficult. His problem wasn’t something he could make up his mind to get over. What the Freaks had done to him left damage it would take time to heal. I wasn’t glad Fade had been hurt, only that he wasn’t lying to me. I shouldn’t have doubted even for a second. He never lied, even when it would be easier.
    “I’ll take care of him,” I said to the girl.
    She was my age, or thereabouts, with red hair caught up in a tall tail. Her eyes were dark brown, though, an interesting contrast. Boys would probably call her pretty, though her thwarted expression marred the overall picture. As I recalled, Tully had called her Maureen. After glancing between us and seeming not to like what she read, she stalked away with shoulders set.
    “Thanks,” Fade said.
    “You have to let me.” This time, I was prepared for his reflexive recoil.
    “I know.”
    I was about to suggest privacy when the runner returned, laden down with boxes. So the colonel is generous in times of need. That was a good sign for the refugees, I thought. Fade followed me when I collected the necessary supplies from the stockpile the girl had brought, just enough to tend his wound. Others required attention, and as I strode toward the back wall, Tegan went back to work.
    Kneeling, I set down the salve and bandages, then beckoned Fade. He sat beside me, his expression grim. “What can I do to make this easier for you?”
    “Just … be quick,” he said.

Hope
    “I can do better than that,” I answered, as an idea struck me. From what I understood of his problem, being touched made him remember everything the Freaks had done to him and the pain came back, along with the shame and revulsion.
    “What do you mean?”
    “Think about the best thing you ever felt, the moment you were happiest. Fix that in your mind and don’t let it go.”
    Fade studied me, a frown gathering. “It’s not that easy.”
    “Try. It can’t make things worse while I bandage you up.”
    “True enough.” With a deep breath, he closed his eyes. “Do it.”
    For the first time, he didn’t flinch when I touched him, but I still did the job quickly, cleaning, smoothing on the ointment, then wrapping up the wound. He pushed out a breath as my hands dropped away. His gaze met mine, something new present in his dark eyes—hope.
    “Was that any better?” I asked, sitting back.
    “Incredibly, yes. I mean, it wasn’t good, but I could stand it. The memories flickered at the edges, and I kept shoving them back with that one bright moment, like you said.”
    “What did you—” I cut the question, fearing the answer.
    But Fade knew what I was going to ask. “The night after the cherry blossom festival. Holding you, kissing you. When you said you loved me … that was the happiest I’ve ever been.”
    My heart compressed. “Love. Not loved. Nothing’s changed.”
    “I have.”
    “Not in any way that matters to me. I’m sorry you’re hurting, but even if I can never touch you again, it won’t change how I feel.”
    “It won’t come to that,” he said with sudden