Free Stay At Home Dead by Jeffrey Allen

Leave this freaking circus behind.
    Wrong. There was no way I was going to let these two fake-breasted exercise Nazis run me out of my daughter’s preschool classroom. Not now, not ever.
    “Don’t come to the meeting, then,” Sharon Ann said. “Might be easier for you to save face that way.”
    “I’ll be there,” I said. “You can count on it. No way I’m giving up my spot.”
    Deborah made a tsk-tsking sound and pursed her lips. “It could get ugly.”
    “Whatever,” I said, backing away and heading toward the parking lot. “Oh. And you wanna know something else?”
    They both straightened their posture as if they were being judged.
    “You’d both be better suited to working out in loose-fitting clothing,” I said, smiling. “Neither of you has the ass to wear tights.”

19
    The new minivan showcased its handling as I tore out of the school parking lot, irritated and on fire. I’d made last-second touchdown grabs. I’d faced down arrogant teenagers. I’d changed dirty diapers in public. There was absolutely zero chance I was going to let Sharon Ann and Deborah impeach me.
    My stomach rumbled, and it wasn’t just from the anger. I’d skipped breakfast, and my little confrontation had apparently spurred my appetite. So I headed toward Rose Petal Square.
    Rose Petal Square was actually a street. The original downtown area hadn’t actually formed a square or rectangular area, but the powers that be had wanted a town square that would draw locals and lost tourists. So they’d come up with the brilliant idea of naming a street Rose Petal Square in hopes of confusing everyone.
    And it worked.
    Right in the middle of the six-block length of Rose Petal Square was Delilah’s, a diner that also served as the unofficial town hall. You wanted to get the proverbial pulse of Rose Petal, you had a little breakfast and eavesdropped at Delilah’s.
    It was also where my father, official town council member, had breakfast every day.
    I found him at a back table with Cedric Cobb and Sheldon Monaghan.
    He raised his eyes as I approached. “Well, well. If it isn’t my son, the stalker.”
    I grabbed the empty chair next to him. “I will stab you in the eye with that spoon on the table if you keep it up.”
    Cedric chuckled and Sheldon laughed into his mug of coffee.
    “Hear you got a little get-together tomorrow night, too,” Cedric said, pointing at me with a forkful of egg.
    “Jesus. How do you already know that?”
    All three men just shrugged.
    “What’s all this business with Shayna?” my father asked.
    “There is no business with Shayna,” I said sharply. “It’s garbage.”
    “Restraining order ain’t garbage, Deuce,” Sheldon said, then took a sip from his coffee.
    Sheldon Monaghan was my father’s oldest friend. They’d played ball together at Rose Petal back in their day, and they’d remained close ever since. Sheldon had parlayed his role as the town’s most prominent Realtor into an eleven-year stint as Rose Petal’s mayor. With his shock of white hair and ever-present bifocals, he looked about ten years older than my father. He compensated for that by dating women half his age.
    “No idea why she filed it,” I told them. “She called me and asked me to come over. Nothing happened at her house.”
    “I’ll give Gerald a call,” Cedric said. “See if he’ll spill anything.”
    Gerald Kantner was the judge in Rose Petal. Normally, he occupied the chair I was sitting in.
    “I’d appreciate that,” I said.
    The waitress came, and I ordered pancakes, bacon, and orange juice.
    “What’d Julianne say?” my dad asked.
    “About what you’d expect. Told me to stop doing stupid things.”
    “Smart girl, that Julianne,” my father said. “Excepting, of course, her choice in husbands.”
    The other two men nodded.
    “Your dad was asking me about this thing old Benny was involved in,” Sheldon said, adjusting his bifocals.
    “Know anything?”
    “I know Odell Barnabas is about