Free Uncle Fred in the Springtime by P.G. Wodehouse

and after a little
natural disappointment turns his thoughts to other things — I don’t know what,
but whatever things Dukes do turn their thoughts to. There must be dozens. This
leaves us with the simple problem — How is the existing state of what I might
call “plus pig” to be converted into a state of “minus pig”? There can be only
one answer, my dear Emsworth. The pig must be smuggled away to a place of
safety and kept under cover till the Duke has blown over.’
    Lord
Emsworth, as always when confronted with a problem, had allowed his lower jaw
to sag restfully.
    ‘How?’
he asked.
    Lord
Ickenham regarded him with approval.
    ‘I was
expecting you to say that. I knew your razor-like brain would cur cleanly to
the heart of the thing. Well, it ought not to be difficult. You creep out by
night with an accomplice and — one shoving and one pulling — you load the
animal into some vehicle and ship her off to my family seat, where she will be
looked after like a favourite child till you are ready to receive her again. It
is a long journey from Shropshire to Hampshire, of course, but she can stop off
from time to time for a strengthening bran-mash or a quick acorn. The only
point to be decided is who draws the job of accomplice. Who is there at
Blandings that you can trust?’
    ‘Nobody,’
said Lord Emsworth promptly.
    ‘Ah?
That seems to constitute an obstacle.’
    ‘I
suppose you would not care to come down yourself?’
    ‘I
should love it, and it is what I would have suggested. But unfortunately I am
under strict orders from my wife to remain at Ickenham. My wife, I should
mention, is a woman who believes in a strong centralized government.’
    ‘But
you aren’t at Ickenham.’
    ‘No.
The Boss being away, I am playing hookey at the moment. But I have often heard
her mention her friend Lady Constance Keeble, and were I to come to Blandings
Lady Constance would inevitably reveal the fact to her sooner or later. Some
casual remark in a letter, perhaps, saying how delightful it had been to meet
her old bit of trouble at last and how my visit had brightened up the place.
You see what I mean?’
    ‘Oh,
quite. Yes, quite, dash it.’
    ‘My
prestige in the house is already low, and a substantiated charge of being AWOL
would put a further crimp in it, from which it might never recover.’
    ‘I see.’
    ‘But I
think,’ said Lord Ickenham, helping himself to the radish which had been doing
duty as Lady Constance, ‘that I have got the solution. There is always a way.
We must place the thing in the hands of Mustard Pott.’
    ‘Who is
Mustard Pott?’
    ‘A very
dear and valued friend of mine. I feel pretty sure that, if we stress the fact
that there is a bit in it for him, he would be delighted to smuggle pigs.
Mustard is. always ready and anxious to add to his bank balance. I was
intending to call upon him after lunch, to renew our old acquaintance. Would
you care to come along and sound him?’
    ‘It is
a most admirable idea. Does he live far from here?’
    ‘No,
quite close. Down in the Sloane Square neighbourhood.’
    ‘I ask
because I have an appointment with Sir Roderick Glossop at three o’clock.
Connie told me to ask him to lunch, but I was dashed if I was going to do that.
Do you know Sir Roderick Glossop, the brain specialist?’
    ‘Only
to the extent of having sat next to him at a public dinner not long ago.’
    ‘A
talented man, I believe.’
    ‘So he
told me. He spoke very highly of himself.’
    ‘Connie
wants me to bring him to Blandings, to observe the Duke, and he made an
appointment with me for three o’clock. But I am all anxiety to see this man
Pott. Would there be time?’
    ‘Oh,
certainly. And I think we have found the right way out of the impasse. If it
had been a question of introducing Mustard into the home, I might have
hesitated. But in this case he will put up at the local inn and confine himself
entirely to outside work. You won’t even have to ask him to dinner. The