Free Coffin Island by Will Berkeley Page A

taunting us to follow. At least something in this
dreadful world was logical. The mermaids were perfect even if they
had suddenly appeared out of nowhere. You couldn’t let the fact
that they were out to kill you trouble your already overworked
mind. You have to beat down total madness before it takes over and
starts operating you like a vacuum on Coffin Island. Your vacuuming
up someone’s liver. Or it’s just hitting you in the face in an
attempt to distract you from your escape.
    “ Never trust a mermaid,”
Professor Coffin shouted. “Swim for your lives!”
    “ Swim for Doctor Fast,” The
Red Lady shouted. “Avoid the mermaids.”
    I was suddenly standing on the beach by
myself. The pirates were swimming through the rough seas. It looked
like some evil god had suddenly applied a mixer. Why not mix this
batter a bit, shall we? Lightening was crashing into the whipped
ocean. And it was chasing after the pirates through the ocean like
electric eels with sonar. Then the mermaids began rowing towards
them. The mast of Doctor Fast looked like an unreachable pin on the
horizon. It actually seemed to be moving away from me.
    I ran through the churning surf and
dove into the emerald ocean. Why not swim into the burning
building? The water was stupendously cold. Why not make the witches
chatter? You can’t have a warm emerald ocean in witchcraft. The sea
monsters would never tolerate it. Those are cold water beasts. How
else could they be from the last ice age? This world is perfectly
logical, at the odd moment, if you work your way through it. You’ve
just got to swim the Bering Straight without a wetsuit.
    I swam furiously after the pirates.
Cold water swimming will do that to you. It’s a matter of life or
death to just accomplish it. Never mind making a destination out of
it. Polar bear swimming is an act of survival. You just want to get
out of the cold.
    I was suddenly confronted by a very
attractive mermaid that was floating in front of me. She seemed to
be waiting for me. Could this be that good omen that I had been
holding out for? Her golden hair was hanging in the ocean like a
plethora of nooses. I swam up to the gallows to introduce myself.
Why not be civilized?
    “ I drown men,” she
said.
    “ I drown mermaids,” I
chattered.
    I tried to swim past her.
    “ You can’t drown a mermaid,”
she giggled.
    “ Get out of my way,” I
chattered. “I’m the Headmaster.”
    I thought that I would give it a shot.
When you are totally cornered and have absolutely nothing to defend
yourself with that’s when you shoot your mouth off. That hollow
title was all the ammunition that I had in the empty gun. Why not
fire it off?
    The mermaid pushed my head under. The
lights started to flicker. No you don’t, I thought. I haven’t come
this far to get snuffed out by a mermaid. I grabbed her long hair
and pulled her under. You dispense with civility when a mermaid
tries to murder you. I gave her a vicious head butt. It hurt like
hell. That’s how I knew that I was still alive. You can’t feel pain
when you’re dead.
    The mermaid laughed at me underwater.
My skull is a weapon, she said. She spoke directly into my mind. We
can torpedo ships.
    That’s what you get for tangling with a
mythological creature, I thought. They taunt you
underwater.
    “ I like you,” she said when
we popped back up. “You’re funny. I can read your
thoughts.”
    “ Don’t do that,” I
said.
    The mermaid tried to push me back under
but I pushed her away from me.
    “ You’re a hideous creature,”
I said.
    “ I’m sorry that I have to
drown you last,” she pouted.
    “ You’re sorry that you have
to drown me last,” I practically shouted.
    “ You’re the Captain of the
ship,” she said. “You have to go down with it.”
    “ Doctor Fast is my ship?” I
asked.
    “ You’re the Headmaster,
silly,” she laughed. “Doctor Fast is your ship. You’re a Doctor of
Fast.”
    “ I’m a doctor of what?” I
gasped.
    The