Free Don't Stop Me Now by Jeremy Clarkson Page A

makes for massive savings at the pumps. I’m talking about halving your fuel bills. But if saving money is so important, why not go the whole hog and use the bus? A diesel wouldwork in a car that’s not supposed to be fun, a big 4×4 for instance or a small Volkswagen. But in a BMW, or a Jaguar for that matter, it’s daft.
    These cars are supposed to be all about poise and balance and delicacy. They’re supposed to be the ultimate driving machines and they’re just not when you have a coal-fired power station under the bonnet. If you just want cheapness, why not save even more money and buy a Mondeo? Still, let’s leave the absurd and ridiculous engine out of the equation, shall we. Assume you’ll buy a petrol version and have a look at the rest of this remarkable car.
    The new 5-series is very possibly the most talked-about new car of the year. Chiefly this is because the old one was just so utterly fabulous, easily the best car in its class when it came along seven years ago and, astonishingly, still the leader when they pulled the plug seven years later.
    You didn’t have to think when you were looking for a
£
30,000 four-door saloon. You bought the Beemer and you loved it. But you do have to think with the new one, because the styling is, how can I put this, a bit challenging.
    I’m told that as time passes we will become accustomed to the looks, which manage to be sharp and bulbous at the same time. But that’s like asking a seven-year-old to live on olives because he’ll like them when he’s an adult. In the here and now the 5 is truly gargoylian, a symphony of discords and stylistic infighting.
    And it’s no better on the inside, with acres of extraordinarily cheap-looking plastic moulded into a series of shapes that jar.
    This then is going to be one of the trickiest road tests I’ve ever done. Because I’ve got to ignore the engine and the styling. And the views of my children, who claimed it made them feel sick because they couldn’t see out. Even my wife didn’t like it, because she can’t understand why anyone chooses to buy a BMW and then doesn’t go for the M3.
    Surprisingly, the new 5 is not that far removed under the skin from the old one. They have the same multilink rear axle and the same quasi-MacPherson strut arrangement at the front. And both use electronics in the shape of stability and traction control instead of mechanicals like a limited slip diff.
    The only real difference is weight. Although the new version is a couple of inches longer and comes with more kit as standard, it’s 65 kg lighter. So it should be more nimble than the old one.
    It isn’t though. The balance is still there and the poise, and the ride is exceptionally good for a car which handles and grips so well. In these respects it’s still far, far better than any Audi, Jaguar or Mercedes. But the steering is odd.
    It’s fine when you’re moving at a lick, but it’s devoid of feel at low speed. Maybe it’d be worth buying the new
£
800 active system, which changes the amount of wheel-twirling you have to do as the speed builds. So, at 10 mph, a quarter of a turn of the steering wheel moves the front wheels as much as a whole turn does at 100. It works well.
    The trouble is that this is just one of about 1,000 extrasthat can be fitted. There are seven different types of wheel, eight different types of front seat, endless stereos and a trim selection that puts the Farrow & Ball colour chart to shame. Mercedes, it must be said, doesn’t give you enough choice when buying a car – ‘you vill have ze grey’ – but it could be argued BMW gives you too much.
    If you go for the standard car it’s pretty well equipped anyway and costs
£
30,950. But you won’t, because you’ll buy the 530 petrol which is just
£
5 more.
    Or will you? Yes, the new 5-series is unpleasant to behold and yes, its steering is a bit weird, but what else can you buy for this sort of dosh? You can’t have a Mercedes because it’ll