Free Dear Sylvia by Alan Cumyn

Krakatoa so if mine is even better then maybe I can get way out of debt.
    Andy’s model was in the old house that was bulldozed today. I was in school but Dad and Uncle Lorne and some other Enshurince men went into the house and got out everything that wasn’t rooined ruined. But they didn’t get Krakatoa!
    That’s all right. I have my own good ideas for it.
    Owen
    Dear Sylvia,
    I just found out I have been spelling DEER wrong all along! It came out on another one of Mr. Morton’s offal spelling tests!
    So now I know you will look at these letters and think what an idiot I am!
    So I can’t give the letters to you. Even if I go and correct every one you will see all the scratch outs. I should just put them out in the trash along with my Krakatoa project which caught fire in front of everybody and so Mr. Morton had to break out the extinguisher and his hole desk got swallowed in this smelly white foam that made everybody laugh so hard I lost $100 more.
    I am going to be poor the rest of my life.
    Andy’s Krakatoa didn’t catch fire.
    And I worked really hard on mine too.
    So I am sorry for wasting all your time by writing these letters you won’t read anyway because I am so stupid.
    Goodbye.
Owen
    Dear Sylvia,
    Today is September the 27th and you are at your big meat.
    Later I will dig a hole behind the swing set in the back yard and bury the box with your letters.
    I know they are yours but they are full of stupid mistakes and I don’t want you to think of me that way.
    Anyway you are not going to think of me so it doesn’t matter.
    I hope you have a good meat. I’m sorry that I won’t see you dancing because I like the red that comes all over your cheeks and face and how bright your blue eyes get.
    Love,
Owen
    Dear Sylvia,
    And so now I can’t even dig a hole right. I was in the middle of it and Dad came out and said Owen what are you doing?
    I tried to tell him something but couldn’t think of it and anyway he saw the box and said what’s that and then I had to tell him. Which I did. Everything too because he kept asking more questions.
    He said — Owen you need to give Sylvia those letters!
    I said — it’s better if I don’t!
    He said — women like it when you make a big thing of love. He said — take Sylvia flowers and give her the box!
    So I said — does Mom still hate you because you are in love with the waitress who looks like Rebecca?
    I don’t know why I said that. He got all glumpy in the face then and couldn’t even answer and it was like The Invisible Enshurince Man coming back in the mail all over again.
    So I didn’t bury the letters. I didn’t want to make another mistake.
    Owen
    Dear Sylvia,
    We are getting a new house! In Elgin! Or at least it’s 1/2 a house because other people live on top and we are on the bottom. I haven’t seen it yet but that’s what Dad said.
    Here’s what happened.
    We were all having dinner in the dining room at the big table with all the leafs in it like Christmas but it was just spaggettey spuggetty noodles which Leonard sometimes slurps up his nose especially when Sadie is looking but she wasn’t only he did it anyway.
    And Dad said Leonard don’t do that!
    So we all looked at Leonard and Eleanor spat her milk onto the table in disgust and said she wanted to be part of another family. Then everyone was talking all at once and Dad said EXCUSE ME! in his big voice that he learned in the army.
    So we shut up.
    I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT! Dad said.
    And he stood up. He looked over at Mom who had a big mouth full of spiggettey noodles.
    Dad started singing! In Italian! I don’t know what it was but it was loud and he closed his eyes and put his hands over his heart and even kept singing when she poked him with a fork.
    Just in the shoulder.
    AY YAI YO EEE YO DEE CHHEE! he sang.
    And Mom was laughing and red as roses.
    And then he got real