Free Carter Finally Gets It by Brent Crawford

laughs. Lynn’s voice echoes in my ear: Not too many jokes, Carter! Comedians don’t score with the ladies. Get to the questions!
    I start with, “What movie do you want to see?” I really want to see The Rock’s new movie, because he’s awesome. He’s funny, but that’s not why the ladies love him. But Lynn said, “Absolutely no action movies, idiot!” So I guess I’m going to have to see a Drew Barrymore cheesy chick flick or something. And please, God, don’t let her be into horror movies! I can’t handle them. I had to sleep in my parents’ room after the last one, and I’m just getting too old for that.
    She replies, “Anything but that cheesy Drew Barrymore mov—”
    I cut her off with my lips. I probably just broke a rule about kissing before the date starts, or interrupting with my face, but I don’t care, she is awesome. “Sorry,” I say as we softly break the kiss.
    She’s totally flustered when she asks me, “Um, what, what movie do you want to see?”
    Huh? I can’t lie to her, because Lynn says, “When boys lie to girls, we always know!” So I say, “I heard The Rock’s new movie is good.”
    “Yeah? Who said it was good?” she asks.
    Dang it! I lied and she totally knew it. “Okay, I heard it was good from the announcer on TV. He says, ‘It’s nonstop action,’ and that ‘The Rock really shines!’”
    She laughs and says, “Well, they do have this movie called Red Betsy . It won the Sundance Film festival. I read this article about it, and it sounds amazing.”
    I try not to make a face as I say, “Cool.” Ugh, if somebody wrote a whole article about it, it’s going to be all talky and complicated and totally SUCK!
    She walks up to the window before me and buys her own ticket. Awesome, now I have enough cash for snacks! But that Burrito Supreme is sitting like a brick in my gut.
    I think chewing is not only good manners, but your stomach prefers it.
    She tells me that she doesn’t like candy, which I think is funny because I’ve seen her eat her weight in M&M’s back in home ec. I don’t laugh out loud or anything, because her recent dislike of candy has led to her looking really good in bikinis, red spandex, and black dresses. So no snacks for us!
    I’m starting to get into this movie about a dude who builds his own airplane, and his crazy mom, when I feel a little rumble just above my belt line. The tremor goes south and is trying to brew itself into a monster fart that will ruin my chances with Abby. No way, pal! If I were here with EJ, I would love nothing better than to rip a stinky-ass Taco Bell fart just as the movie is getting good. But tonight is a different deal. I squeeze my butt cheeks together like a maximum-security prison trying to hold in a crazy prisoner who wants to escape and murder an innocent fourteen-year-old girl on her first date. This sucker is not getting out! I like this girl, and I like this movie. SQUEEZE! The fart passes and goes back to whatever part of your body farts go when they fail to complete their dastardly mission. But I know it’ll be back.
    The movie is awesome. Nothing is blowing up or anything, but the main guy’s really funny and is getting into all kinds of adventures with the ladies in his town, and his dog is funny too. I’m feeling really proud that I’m on a date with a cute girl and enjoying an art film, when I have to fight off another sneak attack from the prisoner in my bowels. I beat back two more escape attempts after that, but my stomach is hurting. I’m starting to think that the Taco Belle was smiling at me because she knows better than anyone how terrible it is to mix freeze-dried beans, sour cream, low-grade meat, processed cheese, yellowy lettuce, and brown tomatoes with a nervous stomach.
    I can’t survive another attack. I’ve got to let this fury out. I jump up and squeeze past Abby like my shoelaces are tied together.
    She whispers, “Are you okay?”
    “Yeah, I just gotta go potty . . .” I