Free Tested by the Night by Maxine Mansfield

sensitive little thing, so be careful what ya say around her. She’s the love child of Laycee’s favorite second cousin Giddy, from the Upz side of the family, and she’ll be staying with us for the duration of the semester. She has self-esteem issues. She’s a tad, let’s say, bigger boned than most gnomes. But there’s not a kinder, gentler soul in all of Albrath than our very own Ohfeelya Upz.”
    Talon couldn’t care less what the gnome cousin looked like. He was glad that it appeared the Shortz family had forgotten about his unwillingness to get naked.
    ****
    Mia stared down at her bowl of chili. She didn’t want to appear to be unfriendly or a glutton, but it really was the only safe place to look. If she glanced to her right, she’d be face to face with Pierced, who’d decided he’d eat with the family after all. Every time she even glanced in his direction, the little gnome would do something even more outrageous. Already he’d winked at her, blown her kisses, and tried to play footsie under the table. Then, the very next time she made the mistake of glancing in his direction the gay-Goth gnome had licked his eyebrows and wiggled them at her.
    She giggled. Though no real relation, the Shortz’s family was part of her own and always had been. She’d been raised around these people all her life, and their antics never failed to entertain.
    She shook her head and looked to her left. There sat her teenaged pseudo cousin Lavender. She could swear, the teen gnome sighed with every other breath, and when she wasn’t sighing, she was batting her eye lashes at Talon. It was so frequent, Mia almost worried Lavender had a real medical problem that might need attending to. Something other than her overactive hormone surges.
    She had even tried looking across the table where Talon sat, but even that was a mistake. For sitting right beside Talon sat Miss Ohfeelya Upz.
    She cringed.
    Big boned? That’s not how Mia would’ve described poor Ohfeelya, but then she also wouldn’t have described her as any kind of gnome she’d ever seen before either. Though just a tad taller than most female humans, probably five foot eight or ten, Ohfeelya was so wide, she easily took up the space of two full grown people of almost any race. Her blonde hair, all ten or fifteen strands of it anyway, was fashioned into some kind of braid-looking thing on the very top of her head. She had a big hairy mole sticking out the side of her bulbous nose, and the skin of her neck was pasty white and hung in…folds. Her jowls were full and round, her big blue eyes bulging, and her poochy red lips smacking noisily around a pair of prominent canines with every bite of chili she took.
    In other words, Ohfeelya Upz was not a cute little gnome at all. She was a full-blown ogre if Mia had ever seen one. And not just an ogre, but an ogre wearing nothing at all but a neon yellow bra, almost as big as a tent, and pair of matching granny panties.
    Mia took a deep breath and cleared her throat. “Wonderful chili as usual, Aunt Laycee. One of these days you’re going to have to give me the recipe.”
    Laycee Shortz chuckled. “I’ll give the recipe ta ya castle cook. Princesses, and future queens, don’t waste their time in the kitchen like us common folk. They have much more important duties ta attend ta.”
    “Oh, cousin, Mia,” Lavender piped up. “We really are so very proud of ya.” The little gnome sighed again. “Just think, taking on Queen Adrina’s Challenge. How exciting. If anyone can do it, I know ya can.”
    Mia was about to thank her aunt and young cousin, when Leeky suddenly spoke. “What the green, slimy, snot wad sliding in and out of the left nose hole of a halfling horticulturist with a bad case of post nasal drip are ya two talking about. Don’t be encouraging the lass. There’s no way in VoT she can accomplish the challenge. All she’s gonna do is get herself and anybody fool enough ta help her killed.”
    He faced Mia.