Free Crazy People: The Crazy for You Stories by Jennifer Crusie

he’s going to take care of that leaky faucet in the downstairs bathroom after practice. I’m making green beans with mushroom soup and stuffed pork chops, which I suppose is the least I can do for him since he says he loves home cooking and he isn’t getting any. So I’m giving him home cooking, but he isn’t getting anything else because I am still your wife, even if you don’t deserve somebody as good as me.
    Your wife who you don’t deserve,
    Debbie Luterbein
    PPPS. I got your letter yesterday, Ronnie. It was thoughtful of you to say you hoped I was doing fine, and that you hoped I’d understand that you just couldn’t face all the hoo-rah when everybody found out, especially Mama and Darla. I have to admit, I did get a little put out because I am the one stuck dealing with the hoo-rah, and I really did not need to know that you loved Barbara so much you just couldn’t help yourself, and I also could have done without the “PS” from Barbara saying she hoped we could still be friends. That woman must be dumb as a box of rocks if she thinks we can be friends, and where she got the “still” part I will never know because I have never been friends with anyone who wears that color of eye shadow that Darla has taken to calling “Bank Slut Blue” because a woman who’ll wear a color like that has no taste at all. Women who wear eye shadow like that look like they do it for nickels, that’s all there is to it.
    Since you asked, Ronnie Jr. is doing fine at the alley, and Becky seems to be doing pretty good, too. She sent me some books yesterday,
How To Love a Difficult Man, The Angry Marriage: Overcoming the Rage and Reclaiming the Love, Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives, and Sex for One
. I’m sure she meant well. I am also doing pretty good, although I would be a lot better if Mama would get off my case. She called yesterday and said she just wanted to remind me about how a woman needed to be married to be secure, and that you were a good provider and the father of my children, and that you and I had been together for twenty-six years, and we’d be together another twenty-six if I played my cards right. She also said I should remember that I was still married no matter if Darrin Mueller was hoping otherwise. I told that to Darla, and she said, “You should have told her that at least Ronnie stuck it out for twenty-six years; Daddy left her after only nineteen, hot dinners and all,” and I said, “Darla, what are you talking about? Daddy didn’t leave Mama, he died,” and she said, “Debbie, death is the only way any of us are ever going to get away from Mama.” And I said, “Well, maybe now that I’ve gone and lost my husband, Mama will stop speaking to me from the shame.” And Darla said, “If that happens, you let me know, because Max will be history.” And I laughed. First time I’d really laughed in ten days, but I laughed at that. And then she said, “You make sure that Ronnie gets custody of Mama in the divorce settlement, and he can have the Hummels, too,” and I laughed again.
    But I guess it was sort of sweet of you to ask if I am okay, and I am. Darrin Mueller’s been taking real good care of me, and I’ve gotten a whole lot done, Ronnie. Like yesterday morning, after I got your letter, I took all your boxes of clothes out to put them in the garage so you could pick them up easier and I wouldn’t have to look at you when you did, but while I was stacking them beside the garage, this woman pulled up in a Bonneville and she said, “You having a garage sale?” And Ronnie, I looked that woman right in the eye and I said, “Yes.” And she said, “Is that men’s clothes?” And I said, “Well, I guess he’s a man,” and she said, “What size?” and I said, “Extra large and stupid,” and she said, “I’ve got one of those. What’s in there and how much?” And I looked in the window of her car and her little boy was holding a McDonald’s bag, and I felt