Free The Intern's Handbook: A Thriller by Shane Kuhn

male counterpart—because they know that men drool and shake like starved wild dogs at the mere scent of potential sex and all will be forgotten when the clothes come off. But even though she is exhibiting the same bravado that tends to infect men when they are about to get laid, her desire to drink heavily betrays her vulnerability. She needs liquid courage. Now I am really in trouble because I know that her feelings for me are genuine. If they weren’t, then we would already be back at her place.
    “Maybe we should start with a beer.” Just call me Buzz Kill.
    “Waiter!” She is not acknowledging my resistance.
    The waiter, looking very put out, walks up.
    “Can I help you?”
    “Do you have Don Julio Añejo?” She winks at me.
    “Yes.”
    “Please bring Mr. Goody Two-shoes and I a shot each with beer backs.”
    “Okay.”
    He shuffles away. At least I have his terminal laziness on my side.
    “Tequila?” I raise an eyebrow.
    “Mexican Scotch.” She smiles.
    “Well, at least it’s not Jäger,” I joke.
    “Lord no. You would not like me on Jäger,” she says dramatically.
    “Why is that?”
    “Because I can’t keep my clothes on.”
    “Waiter!” I yell.
    We both laugh, but I’m thinking the faster I can get her wasted, the easier it will be to snoop her apartment while she sleeps it off.
    “You’re funny. Seriously, I would do a striptease on the bar.”
    The waiter comes back, fully annoyed now.
    “Yes?”
    “Two shots of Jägermeister,” I say.
    “So, cancel the Tequila?” he drones.
    “Absolutely not. We can handle both,” Alice blurts.
    The waiter smiles sarcastically and walks away.
    “He thinks we’re tourists.” I laugh.
    “So you’re basically saying you want to see me naked,” she says, her voice like a purr.
    “No, I want to see you do a striptease on the bar. Put it on YouTube. Get a movie deal. That’s all it takes these days anyway.”
    “With what I’m wearing under this dress, you’d get a million hits in the first hour.”
    “Now that’s all I’m thinking about.”
    “Why do you think I said it, dummy?”
    She puts on lipstick. Strong move.
    The waiter breaks the awkward silence by making it back to the table much faster than I expected. He silently drops the shots and beers and shuffles away.
    She raises both shot glasses.
    “To interns.”
    “I’m not drinking to that.”
    “Okay, let’s drink to you seeing me naked.”
    “You’re killing me.”
    We drink. She hits them both at the same time. Tequila and Jäger. Fucking awful.
    “Congrats again on the promotion. How is the Yalie douche handling it?”
    “He was passed out drunk in his Jag. Totally devastated.”
    “He’s probably never lost at anything.”
    “I’m sure it doesn’t help that I’m a chick. His dad’s going to give him fifty swats with a dirty old fraternity paddle.”
    “His dad is a big CEO. This is going to be very embarrassing.”
    “It will be on the bee-stung lips of every skin job in Rye.”
    “Proud of you, Alice. You deserve it.”
    “Thank you, good sir. You haven’t done too shabby yourself. You took out those other intern plebes like a trained assassin.”
    I laugh, mostly about how I was literally considering killing them all to get the intern spot.
    “Yeah, well none of those tools know how to work. They think they’re going to just get it all handed to them, like everything else. Money and privilege cuts their balls off. Makes them passive,” I spit, realizing those fuckers genuinely put a bad taste in my mouth.
    “Go on. You’re on a roll,” she says, enjoying my working-class tirade.
    “They’re like male lions. Great-looking. Always getting the best-dressed award at the kill. But they rarely kill anything themselves. Lioness does most of the killing.”
    “Duh. Men are ALWAYS taking credit for the brilliant shit women do. Even in the jungle. It’s bullshit.”
    “Not me. I’m like the jackal. I fight for every scrap, like it’s my