Free Singing Heart by Darlene Purcell Page B

of acorns across her ceiling in the spring and out again in the winter remained elusive. Xzan had climbed up into the attic. Hoping to catch a glimpse of the spry little animal. But to no avail. He remained a mysterious noise that haunted her familiarly every morning as she rose.
    Brett had been in a jocular mood for several weeks. One night while was waiting for Jonathan to arrive she rapped softly on the library door. Since she’d never taken it upon herself to intrude on his privacy before she expected him to rage or at least show surprise. When he opened the door, he looked down at her expectantly.
    “ Well, what is it?”
    Taken aback by his reaction she was momentarily speechless. Regaining her composure she blurted out her news.
    “ I thought you should know… I am enceinte.”
    His face lit up delightedly.
    “ Well it’s about time! I guess there must be some of your mother in you after all. Just wait until I tell Jonathan!”
    With that he shut the door in her face as if she didn’t exist. She didn’t know how to feel. He was obviously pleased but not surprised the way she’d thought he’d be and he still treated her as if she were nothing. She didn’t know what to do with the rest of the evening. She had hurried to finish her chores early hoping that after she gave him her news things would change between them.
    She’d imagined him inviting her into his domain to celebrate. But it would be the sound of men’s felicity that wafted through the empty halls tonight. She picked up Puddin Head who was rubbing her legs affectionately purring loudly and made her way back to the parlor. Cuddling the cat for a few moments she longed for her family. Especially her mother. She wondered if Rebecca were in the same condition as herself or if she’d already had another child in the year since Xzan had left. It was strange that her parents hadn’t written in response to her letters. She’d expected at least a card for her birthday. Or an invitation for the holidays. It was as if the whole world had deserted her.
    She envisioned them sitting at the table sharing a meal with Mammy hobbling around in the background arthritic but determined to take care of her adopted family. Now that they had money there would be all sorts of delectable feasts to nibble on. Paul would be 14 now. Probably already looking at Chastity Miller who was the same age with new eyes. She wondered if Grannie Winslow had died. Or if Hattie had ever caught a husband.
    She didn’t feel sorry for the spinster anymore. She was the fortunate one. Xzan couldn’t believe her mother went through this willingly. It was inconceivable that she was happy about it. Maybe it was different with her and Papa somehow. He didn’t treat Mama the way Brett treated her. Still how Mama could enjoy the act of mating was something Xzan would never understand. She abhorred it. The whole process. Even though it was necessary in order to procreate and she wanted her baby. Xzan was miserably ill already. It grew worse every day. By the time she had the infant she prayed she would still have the strength to take care of it.
    *****
    As she grew heavier with child Brett didn’t try to ease her load or offer any concession the way that Papa always had with Mama. She was exhausted all the time. Constantly throwing up to the point of having dry heaves throughout the pregnancy. She wondered if this was normal. She didn’t remember Mama being this sick all the time. If Brett noticed he didn’t care. The first time she felt the baby move it was Puddin Head’s paw she laid upon her slightly rounded belly to share her wonder with. It became a real soul to her. It’s movement living proof that the changes in her body weren’t just her imagination. She sang to her baby. Rocked it. Talked to it. Held her tummy protectively. Cradled it lovingly. When she added a few items to the shopping list that she’d never asked for before Brett roared.
    “ What do you think I’m made of?