Free How to Travel With a Salmon and Other Essays by Umberto Eco

monopod does not make the situation less problematical, as these soldiers proceed by leaps and bounds. During the inaugural ceremony at the Bari Trade Fair last week, one of the President's guards involuntarily trampled the Archbishop of Apulia. We therefore beg Your Excellency to advance the rotation of the roster, excluding from duty soldiers of ethnic groups not congruous with terrestrial format.
    The President further advises against participation in the Conflictual Potlatch by the Orion Runners. As the Orion civilization has developed a system of transmigration of souls a.k.a. metempsychosis, the Ori-onides regard death with extreme nonchalance, and any sports competition in which they participate thus proves extremely unsporting. If their presence is absolutely necessary, it is suggested that they be matched with other units having a highly developed sense of life after death: Swiss Guards from the Vatican, Irish Infantry, Spanish Falange, Japanese Air Force.

    From the secretariat, Federal Palace
La Turbie
    ***
    High Command
To: President, Intergalactic Federation
La Turbie

    Your Excellency, I do not believe I can implement the suggestions you have sent me through the secretariat. All intergalactic soldiers are equal in the eyes of this Command, and I cannot permit any sort of preference or discrimination. During my long and glorious service as a soldier, I have never made distinctions between rich and poor, Calabrian and Bostonian, tall and short. I remember how, way back in 2482, I firmly resisted the pressures of a bigoted and covertly racist press and assigned Sahara patrol duty to the IV Corps of Inuit Harpooners from Prince Joseph's Land. Those magnificent soldiers died, every last one of them, in the line of duty. When a soldier is in uniform, I give no thought to his bulk. I am sorry about the unfortunate mishap of the late, distinguished prelate from Apulia, but the army cannot make exceptions. In the long-past twentieth century hundreds of thousands of Italian soldiers were sent to the steppes of Russia wearing tennis shoes, but to my knowledge the prestige of the High Command at the time remained intact. It is the Commander's decisiveness that assures the soldier's heroism.
    Long live the Universe!

    (signed) General Giansaverio Rebaudengo
    ***
    ASTROGRAM
FROM: HIGH COMMAND
TO: QUARTERMASTER HQ
BETELGEUSE
    SHOCKED BY IRREGULAR VARIETY RATIONS AND ALARMED BY EXCESSIVE CULINARY PERMISSIVENESS UNDERMINING TRADITIONS AND DISCIPLINE OUR GLORIOUS ARMY STOP AS OF TODAY ALL VICTUALS MUST CONFORM TO STANDARD FORMAT FOR ALL TROOPS FEDERATED GALAXIES NAMELY FIVE HECTOGRAMS HARDTACK ONE TIN FROZEN MEAT FOUR CHOCOLATE BARS ONE DECILITER GRAPPA STOP
    (SIGNED) GENERAL GIANSAVERIO REBAUDENGO
    ***
    ASTROGRAM
FROM: QUARTERMASTER HQ
BETELGEUSE
TO: HIGH COMMAND
CASINO
    RESPECTFULLY REMIND HIGH COMMAND BIOLOGICAL DIVERGENCES AMONG VARIOUS UNITS INTERGALACTIC ARMY STOP FOR EXAMPLE ALTAIR SOLDIERS CUSTOMARY DAILY CONSUMPTION THREE HUNDRED SIXTY KILOGRAMS ALTAIR GNU MEAT STOP AURIGA LIQUID SAPPERS COMPOSED EXCLUSIVELY OF ETHYL ALCOHOLS HENCE GRAPPA RATION OFFENSIVE TO THEM SUGGESTING CANNIBALISM STOP HOOKS MILITIA OF BELLATRIX CONFIRMED VEGETARIANS WHEREAS CHASSEURS FROM COMA BERENICES NORMALLY FEED ON LOCAL HAIRLESS BIPED GAME HENCE SOME DEPLORABLE MISUNDERSTANDINGS WHEN CHASSEURS DEVOURED ENTIRE BATTALION MOUNTAIN TROOPS MISTAKING THEM FOR RATIONS SHIPMENT STOP IN THIS REGARD WE WOULD AGAIN UNDERLINE IMPOSSIBILITY OF STANDARDIZING UNIFORMS AS PER HIGH COMMAND ORDER STOP IMPOSSIBLE FIT STANDARD TUNIC AND LEGGINGS TO SOLDIERS EIGHT METERS TALL WITH FIVE ARMS WHEREAS STANDARD ISSUE TROUSERS TOTALLY UNSUITABLE FOR VERMIFORM TROOPS STOP URGE PROMPT DECISION RECOMMENDING FLEXIBILITY RECOGNIZING VARYING BIOLOGICAL DEMANDS STOP
    (SIGNED) GENERAL PERCUOCO
    ***
    ASTROGRAM
FROM: HIGH COMMAND, CASINO
TO: GENERAL PERCUOCO
QUARTERMASTER HQ
BETELGEUSE
    QUIT BELLYACHING STOP
    (SIGNED) GENERAL GIANSAVERIO REBAUDENGO
    ***
    Confidential Report
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