Free On a Scale from Idiot to Complete Jerk by Alison Hughes Page B

slapped down two kids’ menus (the kind that double as your place mat and offer lame coloring opportunities and even lamer jokes) and a glass of crayons. Two menus, one for my eight-year-old brother and one for me. I’m thirteen. Not cool. How about a bib or a high chair? Are you going to offer those too? I declined coldly, making it clear I was way too mature for the tiny-tot food and the toddler word searches on the kids’ menu.
    Because I’m not sure if this is standard restaurant policy for everyone vaguely within the age range of the kids’ menu or a deliberate choice on the part of the server, I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.
    Rating: 3 (normal, tending slightly to idiot)
    G) Internet Trolls
    My brother Joe’s grade-one class had a robin’s nest in a shrub right outside their classroom window. The five blue eggs eventually hatched, and the class made a video of the ridiculously tiny, hungry little chicks. The teacher was so proud of the video that she added some lame music, recorded the class’s reactions (you can clearly hear my brother saying excitedly, “Baby birds sure are baldies!”) and posted it on YouTube. Anyway, cute, right? You would think so, but unbelievably, the video got some dislikes. Some big thumbs-down. What kind of jerk would do this?
    I did some research, and this was not just an isolated, robin-hating Internet jerk. Many, many heartwarming animal videos online get a similar reaction. It might be a baby panda gumming bamboo for the first time, or a tiny kangaroo peeking out of its mother’s pouch. Whatever animal it is, no matter how cute, innocent or uplifting the video, I guarantee that there will be some miserable Internet jerk ready to hate it. How could you officially “dislike” frolicking penguins? Or write negative, hateful comments about a big gorilla gently cuddling an adorable kitten?
    These anonymous haters must really be in pretty bad shape if they have nothing better to do than complain about baby animals being cute or having fun. I’m not saying they have to say “Awww!” and forward them to their friends (if they have any). But here’s an idea—maybe just don’t seek out animal videos if you know you’re really going to hate them.
    Rating: 6-8 (jerk to almost complete jerk, depending on the level of hate)

CHAPTER 11
Once a Jerk, Always a Jerk?

    Can jerks change their behavior and become regular, normal non-jerks? Or are they doomed to always be jerks? It’s an interesting question in the study of jerkology.
    Determined to get some scientific conclusions on this topic, I interviewed a former jerk, my uncle Dave. My mom, my grandparents and my uncle Tim all agree that Uncle Dave used to be a complete jerk. Even Dave agrees, as you’ll see in the interview. But the interesting thing is that now he isn’t a jerk. He’s just normal. Why? How? Read this interview to find out.
    ***A note on technology: I used an ancient tape recorder of my dad’s for the interview, which involved pressing giant PLAY and RECORD buttons at the same time. My dad used to use it to record “rockin’” songs off the radio. Yeah, that’d be great sound quality, Dad. Anyway, it worked and everything, so the interview below is highly accurate. Bonus marks for use of ancient technology or historical artifacts? Possibly.
    CASE STUDY #10
Interview with a Former Jerk
    Subject: My uncle Dave
    Laboratory: Saturday evening, the kitchen, our house
    Experiment: Uncle Dave thought this was going to be a casual chat about a “difficult phase” of his childhood for some lame little school project I have. But I did my research and came prepared to get some answers.
    Observations:
    ME . So, Dave. Can I just call you Dave for this interview?
    UNCLE DAVE . Nope. Uncle Dave to you, kid.
    ME . So, Dave…Everyone agrees that you were a jerk as a kid. I mean everyone . Your sister, your brother,