Free 2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing by Robert Orben

is listening. I’ll ask my engineer. Sam, do you ever get the feeling nobody is listening?… Sam?
    This is the “___________ Show” and I’d like to say it’s the top-rated deejay show in America. Boy, would I like to say it!
DEFENSE
    If we limit our defense budget any further, we’ll also have to change our national anthem—from “The Star-Spangled Banner” to “I Surrender, Dear.”
    I have a great idea for April first. The President calls up the Kremlin and says, “I leaned on the button by mistake and six hundred atomic missiles are now on their way to Moscow. —Who do I say ‘Ooops’ to?”
DEFINITIONS
    Busing is when you move into a ghetto so your kids can go to a good school.
    A cashew is a peanut with back trouble.
    Comic relief is when you add a touch of humor to an otherwise serious situation. It’s like the word “obey” in the marriage ceremony.
    An efficiency expert is someone who puts Murine in his grapefruit.
    FAIL SAFE: What you can do when your family has money.
    FIREPROOF: What you are when you have something on the boss.
    LAST RITES: What you hear just before a yes-man is fired.
    OVERWEIGHT: What happens when you take the butter with the sweet.
    PATIENCE: What you have when your boss makes the mistake.
    A realist is a husband who hears his wife say, “I’ll be ready in a moment” and picks up something to read—
War and Peace
!
    Recycling is a fella who sells a million dollars’ worth of insurance—and then marries the beneficiary.
    Speed reading is what you do when one of your fellow employees is cashing his check.
DENTIST
    Did you ever get the feeling that your teeth are twenty years older than the rest of you?
    I don’t want to complain about my dentist but last night I went to a dinner and swallowed 1,500 calories—and this was just in fillings.
    Yesterday I called up my dentist and I said, “Doc, I don’t mean to be critical, but every time I eat I have to use tenderizer.” He said, “Lots of people use tenderizer.” I said, “In soup?”
    I’m at that age where biting into a jelly apple brings me three things—memories, nostalgia, and a fifty-dollar bill from my dentist.
    I often wondered how my dentist could net $200,000 a year. Then my gold inlays rusted.
    My dentist really charges. Last week he put in a crown. I think it belonged to Queen Elizabeth!
    Gold is now worth [ USE LATEST FIGURE ] an ounce. I’ll tell you how I found that out. I was mugged by a dentist.
    I just read an interesting piece of science fiction. It’s about an orthodontist who goes bankrupt.
    Today we’d like to pay tribute to Howard Cosell’s dentist. The only man who has ever seen him with his mouth open and not talking.
    I love to talk after getting a shot of novocaine.
    It’s the only time I can imitate Buddy Hackett.
DIETS
    I just went on a great diet. There are only three things you can’t put in your mouth—a knife, a fork, and a spoon!
    Even marriage changes. Ten years ago I put my wife on a pedestal. Yesterday I put her on a diet.
    The whole secret of dieting is willpower. You know what willpower is. That’s going to a topless restaurant and looking at the menu!
    My wife has come up with a very simple device to make me lose weight. It’s called a food bill.
    I don’t mind telling you, I’m very discouraged. I’ve come to the conclusion the only way I’m going to have a young-looking body is to wear a diaper.
DIRECT MAIL
    Where else but in America could you get an advertising piece that costs $50,000 to design, $500,000 to print, offers $2,000,000 in prizes—and what is it called? Junk mail!
    Because of the postal increases, some American firms are going to eliminate direct mail advertising. It’ll be the first time in history a postage stamp ever licked
us!
    Occupant mail can make one quite bitter;
    It’s 20