Free Diamond in the Blue: D.I. Simpers Investigates by Phil Kingsman Page A

midway between her plate and mouth. She tried to make sense of the situation. Her response was to move her head to one side as a sign of empathy with Jonathan, before stuffing her helpless quarry into her ample mouth.
    Simpers stared at the young man, lamenting what he had done to deserve his place in the parallel universe in which he now found himself. The detective's antidote to the situation was to feel for a pineapple chunk boiled sweet in his jacket pocket. He delighted in picking off the fluff using a covert one hand trick he had perfected at secondary school. He then placed the treat into his mouth, oblivious to the unorthodox mixture of sugary syrup and Caesar salad. Neither did he notice the amused look from his table companions.
    Aware of the reaction his comment had provoked, Jonathan began to blush. He fidgeted in his seat and became more agitated by the second.
    The awkwardness of the moment lifted when the table stewards arrived to clear the first course dishes. Minutes later they began to place the main course before each of their charges.
    Just as the head steward reached over Jonathan to place a plate of finest sirloin steak, the young traveller's right arm shot up. It curled itself around the top of his head, before his left arm grabbed the offending limb, bringing it onto his lap. There followed a short Jekyll and Hyde tussle between his two hands as one tried to free itself from the other. Hyde prevailed.
    At the same time, Jonathan spat out, 'Bollocks, fuck, you've got big tits.' His eyes reflected terror as he averted his gaze from Amelia. He raised a hand to his face as if trying to stuff the errant words back into his mouth.
    The steward sidestepped Jonathan's flailing arm to place the dish in its assigned position and stepped back, without giving the slightest sign that anything out of the ordinary had occurred. He at no time made eye contact with Jonathan, or any other passenger.
    Within seconds it was all over. Jonathan became calm and raised his eyes from their fixed position on the condiment set. He looked at each of his fellow guests in turn.
    'I'm sorry,' he said. 'I have a mild form of Tourette's that kicks in when I get too excited, nervous, or angry. My tics, I mean the swearing and jerking - that's what happens. It isn't anywhere near as bad as when I was nipper, but I still thought I ought to tell the cruise line about my condition. To be honest, I didn't think they would let me come on the holiday.'
    At least, Simpers concluded, that explains why the stewards hadn't shown any reaction. It was because they had been briefed on his condition.
    'You'll do for me, me darling. Don't you worry yourself one bit. You're amongst friends here. You know, we all have tics, every man-jack. It's just that for most of us, they don't show.' said Amelia. She had managed to break the tension with a supportive smile intended just for Jonathan. It also gave a clear signal to the others that she now considered Jonathan as her special friend.
    'Anyway,' Amelia continued, 'you think people give you strange looks. When my darling husband died last year, he stipulated in his will that Prince Cedric here had to travel with me wherever I went. What do you think to that!'
    As Amelia spoke, she pointed to an inert figure in the chair beside her. She took the opportunity to plump the cushions beneath the dummy so that its shoulders were just about at table height. At this point the furtive looks her table companions had been giving the stuffed figure broke out into open gawping.
    'I don't mind a bit. The prince has been our ticket to fame and fortune,' Amelia explained. 'You know how the American's love an English accent. Well, my clever American ventriloquist husband gave them what they wanted and it made us millions.'
    'But I thought vaudeville had had its day in America,' commented Simpers.
    'Yes, but he drew on the best of its traditions and brought it bang up to date. The prince here allowed my husband to say things