Free Diamond in the Blue: D.I. Simpers Investigates by Phil Kingsman

definitely did not enjoy meaningless chat about inconsequential subjects.
    Never will so few, talk so much, about so little, Simpers thought. He felt a pang of guilt at having corrupted the stirring words of Winston Churchill. But that's how he felt.
    Simpers began his introductions to his table companions. His efforts failed as the familiar 'bing-bong' of the ship's tannoy rang out.
    'I'm pleased to let you know that we're now making good progress down the Sound. As you know, our first port of call will be the wonderful island of Madeira, and so we can look forward to three relaxing days at sea. Sea conditions are calm at the moment. That said, we expect things to become a little livelier as the evening progresses and we get into open waters. I would ask that you take care as you move around the ship later this evening. Do enjoy your dinner.'
    The Commodore's words left Simpers with a twinge of unease. His mood darkened as he noticed several crew members securing all doors leading to the deck with rope ties.
    He noticed two distinct groups of passengers. Those who had been through this sort of thing before hadn't seemed to take any notice of the Commodore's words, nor the rope tricks the crew were undertaking. Instead they were downing the first course of their meal with gusto.
    The second group, to which Simpers belonged, hung on every word of the Commodore's epistle. They alternated their gaze from the tightening ropes around the doors, and the food before them, as if the latter was laced with poison.
    Reality returned as the conversation between his table companions began to flow. Simpers consoled himself in that, at least for the moment, he couldn't feel any movement of the ship. Content that the food he had selected also appeared inert, he settled into his habit of people watching.
    Simpers started with the Smeetons. They were in their early fifties and appeared comfortable in the environment of the ship. Jenny, the wife, had a trim figure and dressed with elegance. She displayed a distinct twinkle in her eyes and had, more than once, given Simpers a lingering glance.
    Simpers hoped the occasional rub he experienced from her left leg was down to her appendage going into spasm. He did not wish to contemplate any other explanation. 'Other' bothered him. Ye gods, he thought, as if rough seas weren't enough to deal with, here was a woman with a twitchy eye and spasmodic leg to deal with. God knows what else she might be preparing to fling about, he thought.
    Meanwhile the husband, Ken, spent his time and considerable verbal charms on Amelia Reynolds, a wealthy widow of world renowned American ventriloquist, Spike Reynolds. Simpers concluded the Smeetons enjoyed an open marriage.
    Next to come under Simpers' scrutiny was Jonathan Stevens. He was a lone traveller in his late twenties with a hesitant demeanour. This, they were to learn, was his first cruise. The money for the trip came via a small inheritance from his mother. It turned out she had suffered a fatal run in with, as Jonathan explained, 'One of them green electric bin lorry things.'
    Jonathan said his mother had failed to hear the lorry on its 'Alternative weekly waste collection. Or', he added, 'at least that's what the local council called it.'
    Things wouldn't have been so bad, Jonathan explained, if the same bin wagon hadn't done for the family cat the week previous.
    'Well, at least they will be together forever, now, Jonathan. That should give your mum some comfort, at least,' offered Ken Smeeton.
    'No,' replied Jonathan as he looked at the bowl of orange and coriander soup in front of him, before taking a huge bite from his crusty cob. 'She couldn't stand cats.'
    The Smeetons bit their lips and dusted the breadcrumbs Jonathan had shared with them. All efforts to stifle their laughter failed. The tortured results led to a banshee-like rhythm that defied musical convention.
    Amelia Reynolds's fork, laden with Palma Ham, came to an abrupt halt as it hovered