Free Cupcake Couture by Lauren Davies

popping sound with his lips.
    ‘Thank God for rush hour,’ he chirped and wriggled away.
    I was aware I was opening and closing my mouth like a goldfish that had jumped out of its bowl and was slowly dying on the carpet. Naomi glanced at Ben, who nudged Kimberley, then all three took a step back, leaving Nigel in front as the spokesman.
    ‘Are you alreet, Chloe?’
    His voice sounded nervously high-pitched.
    ‘Me? Of course, of course, never been better thank you, Nigel. I was just… I was…’
    If his was high-pitched, mine was like a dog whistle.
    Naomi shook her head, her wayward curls bouncing from side to side as she scurried towards me and pulled a red velvet armchair close to mine.
    ‘Sit, sit,’ she said to the others, flapping her hand.
    ‘Careful you don’t sit on the iron rod,’ I heard Nigel mutter.
    Naomi tutted at him, sat close beside me and placed her hand on my arm.
    ‘We’re gutted for you, Chloe. It must have been such a shock. Margaret’s doing the petition and that but I don’t think it’ll change their minds. And well we’ve wanted to contact you this week like, but we thought it best that we didn’t remind you of what you were missing.’ She paused. ‘Not that you’re missing anything other than the usual boring old business.’
    Nigel laughed.
    ‘But we did staple Gary’s jacket to the chair when he was still in it and he didn’t even notice, the bell-end, until he tried to go for a piss and took the chair with him.’
    ‘That was mint!’ Ben chuckled.
    Ben and Nigel hi-fived each other.
    ‘Oh and Kimberley got off with that accounts temp who’s got a wonky eye,’ Nigel hooted.
    ‘Shut up! It is not wonky. It’s just a bit lazy,’ Kimberley squealed.
    ‘Lazy!’ Ben snorted. ‘It’s so busy looking everywhere else but forwards it must be chuffing knackered, man.’
    ‘It’s been a funny week,’ Ben laughed.
    ‘Aye it has that,’ said Nigel.
    ‘Guys you’re not helping,’ Naomi hissed, ‘can’t you see how bad Chloe looks? Have some sympathy, please.’
    My eyebrows leapt towards my hairline.
    ‘Thanks, Naomi but I’m fine. I’m just chilling out here with a coffee and reading a…’ - I glanced around for a magazine but there wasn’t one – ‘… thing and meeting a few friends in a bit as it happens.’
    Naomi pursed her lips and nodded while gently ‘uh-huh-ing’ as if she were talking to a person of limited intelligence.
    ‘Right, aye,’ she said, glancing at Kimberley who was staring wide-eyed at my sweatpants, ‘but you do look canny bad like.’
    I rubbed my hands on the scuffed jersey wishing I had changed before I left the house. I had even forgotten to put on makeup. I might as well have sauntered into town wearing just stretch marks and a smile.
    ‘I was at the gym,’ I protested. ‘My new fitness regime, which is great because I have all this free time and so very soon I’ll have a body like… well like Jesse J and my personal trainer, Juan…’
    Juan?
Said the sane part of my mind, which was reducing in size by the second.
Get a grip, Chloe
.
    ‘…yes Juan said I could even release a workout DVD at the end because I’ll look so amazing. The Redundancy Regime DVD. Brilliant isn’t it? It’s intense exercise and diet.’
    I nervously lifted my coffee to take a sip and my nose disappeared into a small mountain of cream. As I wiped it away, I saw Nigel lift his finger to his temple and wind it up. After years of being their responsible boss, I was losing their respect in a matter of minutes. My entire reputation wiped out by a pair of Gap jogging bottoms and a coffee topped with so much bloody fluff it could have been reclassified as soft furnishings.
    I pulled my arm away from Naomi’s pitying touch and looked at my watch.
    ‘I have to dash guys. Things to do. I’ve been so busy all week with one thing and another I haven’t even had time to miss the office, you know, gym, lunches, meetings.’
    ‘Meetings?’ said Naomi a