Free Rude Bitches Make Me Tired: Slightly Profane and Entirely Logical Answers to Modern Etiquette Dilemmas by Celia Rivenbark Page A

business; sometimes it’s not. How can I politely ask him to lower his voice? All of us are bothered by this.
    I’m assuming that “all of us” doesn’t include your boss or the folks in Human Resources. They don’t know a thing about it because you are all acting like a bunch of lady parts that are prone to cysts. Just sayin’.
    This fella probably doesn’t even know that he’s a loud talker, so he’s not doing it to be rude. So tell him. Use your words. Say: “You have a very booming voice, and I don’t think you realize that we can all hear every word you’re saying. Could you please lower your voice?”
    You should be prepared for an immediate apology and even a little embarrassment on his part. You should also be prepared for a very quiet afternoon followed, the next day, by the same loud voice you despise. He has already forgotten. This will necessitate a second visit and perhaps a third and fourth. Retraining loud talkers isn’t easy, but it is possible with daily, consistent reminders. Eventually he’ll get the hang of it, and harmony will reign. Either that, or it’s back to Applebee’s for drinks again because his loud ass needs firing.
    Question: One of my coworkers believes that the best way to get a promotion is to kiss the boss’s ass all day long. What do you think of that strategy?
    Sorry. My mouth was full. What did you just ask? I think it’s a great strategy, and I’m always surprised that more people don’t do it. Don’t whine about missed promotions if you’re not willing to get in there and really kiss that ass but good! Nobody will respect you, but what do you care? You and the boss are hitting the links this weekend. And you’re gonna let him win despite the fact that you had a full ride at Dartmouth on a golf scholarship. He really has a fantastic swing, doesn’t he? What part of “floundering economy” do you not get? You can enjoy your lousy principles all the way to the unemployment line. Pucker up!
    Question: You know that expression “prairie dogging”? I hate it when people pop their heads up over my cubicle instead of just walking around. It’s so, I don’t know, invasive.
    You know that expression “Grow a pair”? I mean what are you doing in your cubicle that’s so damn private anyway? Oh, right. Porn. Cubicles are an unfortunate reality of corporate office design, and short of going all Old Spice guy and hoisting a duffel bag over your shoulders and wandering into the mist to look for work on the docks, you’re outta luck.
    Question: My office mates often borrow my desk supplies, even taking my stapler and Post-it notes from my desk drawers. It would be okay if they’d ever return them without me nagging. What to do?
    Use locks, if you must, because I’ll agree that this is extremely rude. No one should be rooting around in anyone else’s drawers.
    Question: I hate staff meetings, and my company is obsessed with them. We could accomplish so much more by sending concise e-mails to update/explain company business. The worst are the ones where the employee reads every word of a PowerPoint to us while we stare at the screen.
    I feel your pain. PowerPoints, poorly done, are toxic to a productive work environment. There is nothing more snooze-inducing than hearing a dronelike recitation of a script that’s right in front of you. Okay, I meant except for Nicolas Cage movies. Those are totally worse. I also sympathize with your take on too many meetings. What’s the point of having office e-mail if you are going to be dragged into a room filled with bad coffee and vile pastries and detained there for upwards of an hour to rehash something that could’ve been tackled in less than thirty seconds electronically?
    You know what? The more I think about this whole workplace thing, the more I’m realizing that it’s pretty sweet to be here with Antonio day after day after day. I don’t call any meetings and force myself to attend. I don’t have to deal with cake