Free Rude Bitches Make Me Tired: Slightly Profane and Entirely Logical Answers to Modern Etiquette Dilemmas by Celia Rivenbark Page B

monsters or office supply theft or a public discussion of an eruption on my vagina à la the unfortunate Britney Sue.
    Yes, working from home has definite advantages. If something reeks around here, it’s me—and I simply send myself a sternly worded e-mail to not let it happen again.
    If I continue to mess up, I’ll give myself three warnings and then, finally, fire myself. Afterwards, I will take myself to (where else?) Applebee’s, where I will spend the afternoon sipping sugary daiquiris surrounded by the car salesmen from the dealership across the street who haven’t sold anything since 2009, bless their hearts.
    I just wish Antonio could come, but I’m pretty sure they have a no-rodent policy. Pretty sure.

 
    chapter 11
Mom to Mom: It’s Complicated
    Face it: It’s easier to find Honey Boo Boo’s kin on the Mensa membership roll than to find a mom-friend who sees things exactly the way you do. Sure, we know plenty of playground moms we can share grapes and Goldfish crackers with, but true friends are harder to come by.
    Rather, we are thrown together, yoga-pantsed soldiers on a brightly colored battlefield who bond only on one thing: Our children are the very best kids on earth. Hell, we feel sorry for all the rest. Tra-la-la!
    Actually, I was just thinking about my kid when I said that. Yours are just okay. I mean, the whole endless snot thing that you refuse to acknowledge is a bit of a deal-breaker for lifelong bonds being forged. Criminy, get some antibiotics, would you?
    But every now and then, a true friendship will shine like a jewel in a goat’s ass, and you realize that this playground mom is going to be a Forever Friend. You’ll probably even take couple’s vacations together, your daughter might marry her son, oh! The possibilities are endless.
    And then she says it one day as you watch the future bridal couple play with the big yellow tic-tac-toe game painted on the side of the twisty slide: “Hey, you know I think Rush Limbaugh has some great ideas!”
    And we’re done here. Juicy Juice is packed up, pretzels are resealed in their snack-size ziplock bags, and we really have to wash our hair. You never liked her that much anyway. Oh, and the marriage is off !
    It’s so hard to find the right mom friend from a pool of women who simply have kids the exact same age. Thank the sweet Lord above, I was lucky enough to find several, and fourteen years later, we still get together at least once a month for dinner, drinks, and catch-up.
    But there were so many more where the convo was forced, brittle even, as we discovered that, although our kids were crazy about one another, we just didn’t click.
    It took me quite a while to realize that I didn’t have to be BFFs with every other mom. There was no reason to assume that just because we’d given birth within eight months of one another that we had anything else in common.
    Be prepared to attend a lot of birthday parties where your kids have a blast playing together while you watch with a big fake smile on your face. The important thing to remember during these forced social situations is that it’s not about the parents; it’s about the kids. Still, it would be ever so much more convenient if you wouldn’t be such an insufferable bitch most of the time.
    Question: You know what I hate? When another mom says, “Oh, call me for a playdate with little Madeleine!” That puts the onus on me to call her . That also tells me she doesn’t really want a playdate but just wants to look like she does, am I right?
    Sadly, yes. No one should ever say “call me” about anything, because it’s automatically transferring the obligation to you, and that’s bad manners. The truth is, if she really wanted your kids to play together, she’d say: “Bring Tallulah over around four on Wednesday if that’s convenient. If not, what would be a good time?”
    That’s a sincere invitation extended sincerely, complete with specifics and, yet, an allowance for the