Free Beating Heart by A. M. Jenkins Page A

stairs, his feet crunching glass. “Are you all right?”
    â€œI didn’t touch it!” Libby breaks into sobs. “I didn’t do anything! I wasn’t going to come up, but—I heard—I heard a noise! ”
    â€œIt’s all right. You’re not hurt?”
    â€œI—I don’t know.”
    â€œOkay. Just hold still.” She doesn’t look hurt. He squats down beside her and carefully starts brushing off broken glass, inspecting her for cuts. At the top of the stairs, he sees the open bedroom door shut, but he continues until all the splinters are off. Then he hoists Libby up and carries her to the top step. After he sets her down, he stops, he can’t think what to do next: he’s got an angry girlfriend in his room, a hopeless mess below him, and a sniffling sister clutching at his leg.
    Carrie and the broken window are too overwhelming at the moment. He remembers the sound of her sucking in air—he didn’t know that she couldn’t breathe! And boy, she’s bound to be pissed about it. He imagines he can feel her sulking fury radiating through the closed bedroom door.
    He sinks down on the top step, next to Libby. And a moment later, Carrie opens the door.
    She comes out calmly, completely dressed, every button buttoned. Her back is straight. She is not crying. Her face reveals nothing as she pauses beside Evan at the top of the stairs. “Is Libby all right?” she asks in an odd, flat voice.
    â€œYeah.” Evan can’t bring himself to meet her eyes. “I think so.”
    â€œOkay. Then I’m going to leave now. Good-bye, Evan,” she says, and starts down the stairs. She is careful not to touch the railing, and picks a hesitant path through the glass.
    He watches her, feeling that he should say something, that he has not behaved particularly well, but unable to think it out just now.
    She’s just past the landing when he speaks.
    â€œCarrie?”
    She pauses before looking up at him. Something in that pause makes Evan feel a little of what it costs her to maintain that level calm.
    He’s not angry at her anymore. All he feels is sad, and somewhat ashamed. They’ve been together a long time. And tonight—well, he knows he didn’t do things right.
    â€œI’m sorry.” The moment he says it, he wants to cringe—he’s really opened himself up now, she can let him have it for being a shithead and an asshole who dares to think that an apology even begins to make up for anything.
    But for the first time today—the first time in a long time—Carrie surprises him. “You know what I was saying the other day, Evan?” she says, peering up at him. “About how I didn’t know what I’d do without you?”
    Evan nods.
    â€œI guess it’s time to find out, huh?”
    And, with dignity, she makes her way down the glass-covered stairs and out of sight. Evan hears her footsteps across the wide, empty hall, and then the sound of the front door.
    She’s gone.
    Â 
    Â 
    the front door
    Â 
    slams
    Â 
    the air is stirred
    Â 
    Â 
    He is the one
    Â 
    left
    Â 
    behind.

 
    L ibby is quieting down now, with only an occasional sniff. She still leans against Evan; he puts an arm around her.
    Â 
    Â 
    On the topmost step he sits,
    clear and stark
    his face is unfamiliar
    his eyes are dark, not light,
    his expression is
    tired,
    worried,
    sad.
    Â 
    He pauses
    lifts a hand
    brushes one stray strand
    of hair like cotton
    from a small face.
    Â 
    it’s not him
    Â 
    It’s not.

 
    E van puts his head in his hands. He does not like sitting in the silence that Carrie has left behind. For a second he feels the weight of the quiet house; to him it is full of blame, regrets, and guilt.
    He never meant to hurt anybody.
    He doesn’t realize that he’s sighed until he hears Libby’s voice, tentative and worried, at his