Free My Family and Other Freaks by Carol Midgley Page B

p.m.
    What are we going to do? Rick says we should leave home ASAP because there’ll be no room for us soon and the place will stink of baby sick again. He’s gone out to lose himself in Fast Track.
    I’m more worried about what Treasure will say when she finds out. The Clampetts have really done it this time.
Saturday
    Phoebe now seems pleased about the baby and has given Mom all her Baby Annabel clothes. This made Mom cry like a banshee and rock Phoebe on her knee, saying, “Mommy’s lovely little baby.”
    Enjoy it while it lasts, Pheebs. Soon you’ll be joining the ignored-middle-children club.
Sunday
    Unbelievable. Mom is actually looking quite happy about being pregnant now. She literally has no shame. And Dad keeps singing “Isn’t She Lovely?” and kissing her in front of her disgusted children. “What would I do without you, Dave?” she says to my dad.
    â€œDunno,” says Rick. “Not get knocked up at the age of 44?” Dad didn’t laugh at that.
    Text Amber and say I need an emergency summit meeting.
4 p.m.
Amber’s bedroom. Summit meeting.
    Amber stares at me with her mouth in one of the shapes in the Face Workout book when I tell her. I make her swear not to tell anyone, not even Megan, who can be very gossipy, to be honest. I was hoping Amber would join in agreeing what selfish, embarrassing parents they are, but she went all nerdy scientist on me, saying, “Well, that’s interesting actually, because it shows how incredible human biology is.”
    â€œWHAT?” I said.
    â€œWell, women’s fertility drops quite sharply in their thirties, as does men’s,” she said. “Both your mom and dad must be quite—”
    â€œAll right, all riiiiiight,” I say, covering my ears and feeling that I really might be sick at anymoment. Too much information—unless you want vommed Monster Munch all over your shoes.
    Still, I must get home. I need to wash my hair with Mom’s expensive shampoo and get my beauty sleep to look nice for Damian. I am going to start putting ME first in this family.
Monday
4 a.m.
    Can’t sleep. Am half appalled about the baby, half demented with excitement about seeing Damian again. Am going to wear my “telescopic lashes” mascara so that when he looks into my eyes he realizes where his heart really lies.
5 a.m.
    Still can’t sleep. Because I’m panicking about not sleeping I can’t sleep even more. Plus Deirdreis on her squeaky wheel. Shove her cage in the bathroom.
7 a.m.
    Why, why, why did I lay awake for three hours? I now have huge black shadows under my eyes like a drug addict and my hair is a big mad crow’s nest. I look like that batty old woman down the precinct who talks to herself and wears all her clothes at the same time.
7:30 a.m.
    A piercing scream from the bathroom. Deirdre has escaped from her cage and nibbled Mom’s feet while she was having a wee. Well, at least Deirdre’s got one experience up on Dad who, as we know, has NEVER seen Mom have a wee.
7:45 a.m.
    Lying on my stomach in the bathroom trying to coax Deirdre out from under the bath with a box of raisins. I so don’t need this. I need to be getting SEXY.
8:10 a.m.
    Deirdre now caught. I am now late.
    Time for damage limitation. Sneak into the bathroom and squirt myself with Mom’s Sarah Jessica Parker perfume. It is called Lovely. What a totally rubbish name. And not strictly true. They’d have been better off calling it “Not Bad But A Bit Claggy.” I squirt tons of it on. It’s not as though Mom will be needing it again, since she won’t be going out for the next 100 years.
    Apply my telescopic mascara. You’re supposed to let it dry between each coat but it won’t matter.Not bad actually. Apart from the red eyes, which look like raw liver.
8:20 a.m.
    Phoebe is dressed in her nurse’s uniform and is holding up an old stained bib to