Free My Family and Other Freaks by Carol Midgley

lady,” he says to me, shaking the dog-hair-covered duvet at me.
    Rick and two of his lanky new band friends walk in right in the middle of the screaming match. Rick looks at us with contempt. “Sorry, dudes,” he says to his friends. “My family are idiots.”
    Dudes? What a loser.
Tuesday
    Mom has bought Phoebe a sticky glitter pack as a reward for being a good girl at nursery. She is trying to give Simon a makeover with it and wants me and Rick to hold him down so he can’t escape. Rick won’t because he’s just got ready to go out and is waiting for the lanky boys to call so they can go out together and make more rubbish music with their rubbish band.
    I know that I vowed in my Pact with God not to do any more Simon makeovers, but God hasn’t exactly delivered the Damian goods, has He? I get Simon on his back and put a knee on either side, holding his head while he tries to kick me off. Phoebe is painting his floppy ears with glitter paint. Just then the doorbell rings so Simon is barking, while trying to kick me off, while Phoebe paints his ears. When I look up, standing in front of me is Damian.
    Hold on—DAMIAN!? In our smelly living room with the vomit carpet?
    â€œYou don’t mind if my little brother comes along with us, do you?” one lanky boy is saying to Rick. “Mom can’t pick him up for an hour.”
    You mean the boy that’s been visiting our house these past three weeks is Luke, Damian’s older brother?? For God’s sake, why didn’t Rick say??
    Damian is silent. He is just staring at me straddling a struggling mongrel on my knees while a four-year-old paints its ears sparkly blue “because he’s a boy!”
    They all leave. I stare at the door with my mouth in a perfect O shape.
    Will he tell Treasure? That is the question.
Wednesday
    Go for a sleepover at Amber’s house. Can you believe her mom and dad only let her watch one hour of TV a day? That is what I call a deprived childhood. They only had one child, Amber, because they believe the world is overpopulatedas it is. Tell that to the woman down our road who’s got nine kids.
    Amber’s mom makes grilled organic chicken, steamed broccoli, organic mashed potatoes and peas. Amber has forgotten to tell her mother I’m a vegetarian but says I can probably still eat it because the chicken was organic and thus had a happy life. I think she has a point. Plus, I’m starving.
8 p.m.
    Amber gets a text from Nerdy Neil asking her to suggest to me that we all meet up again.
    â€œOh, this is terrible,” I say.
    â€œWhat is?” says Amber.
    â€œWell, it’s obvious—the Nerdmeister FANCIES me.” I sigh.
    â€œOf course he doesn’t fancy you. Don’t be silly,” says Amber a bit sulkily.
    Look—it’s hardly my fault if weird boys find me irresistible, is it?

September
Thursday
12 noon
    In my bedroom painting my toenails Scarlet Lady red and doing my face-workout exercises to ensure I never get wrinkles. It involves doing a lion face like a roaring beast and sticking your tongue out to your chin as far as you can with your eyes wide open. If Damian saw me now, he’d never marry me.
1 p.m.
    Four days until school starts again. Suppose I’d better start reading
My Family and Other Animals
.
1:05 p.m.
    On second thoughts, I could just get Amber to tell me what it’s about. Busy people don’t have time for books.
    Feel a wave of sickness at the idea of starting school. Mental torture will resume. Plus Mom has bought me some hideous new pleated school skirts from ASDA! I bet Treasure’s school skirts aren’t from Asda. It’ll be John Lewis or Marks & Spencer or more likely Harrods.
1:30 p.m.
    The house is spookily quiet. Rick has taken Simon out and Phoebe is at Gran’s. Hold on, what’s thatnoise? It’s Mom and Dad whispering. I listen at the bedroom door. What’s Dad saying? Something