Clonakilty, and a brother, Richard, living in upstate New York. I rang them. He’s not with them either.’
‘Yes, but … if he has gone to ground with his family, they’d hardly shop him to you, would they?’
John Joseph looked confused. ‘But why would Mrs Diffneyring me? And you don’t understand! I’ve known them a long time and we’re very close; I’m almost like another son to them. They wouldn’t lie to me. Believe me, he’s not with any of them and they’re as worried about him as I am.’
I’d have to verify that info for myself, but it had the ring of truth about it; I’d hold off on the epic trip to Clonakilty for the moment.
At least I could discard the brother in upstate New York; there was no way Wayne could have got into the United States without his passport.
‘I’ll need the names, addresses and phone numbers of the Clonakilty bunch.’
‘I have them,’ Jay called, from further along the couch. ‘Texting them to you right now.’
I refocused on John Joseph. ‘Does Wayne smoke?’
‘No. Gave up years ago.’ Right, so those lighters in his drawer were just for the scented candles.
‘Does he have a cleaner?’
‘No. Carol – that’s his mammy – trained him well. And he says he finds it relaxing.’
Jay Parker gave a contemptuous tsk and I turned my coldest look on him because, as it happened, I also found housework relaxing. I’d spent most of my life oblivious to filth. I would have quite happily lived in a ditch, so long as it had SkyPlus, but the moment I’d bought my own place I’d finally understood the allure of hoovering and polishing – the sense of satisfaction, the pride … But back to Wayne.
‘Does he have any medical conditions that might be relevant?’
John Joseph shrugged helplessly. ‘We’re men; we don’t talk about that sort of thing. He could have testicular cancer, his bollock could have fallen off and we’d still be talking about the football.’
‘Speaking of which, who does he support?’
‘Liverpool. But in a normal way, not in a, you know, mad way.’
‘I noticed he had some –’ I could hardly bring myself to utter the word, because I hate it so much – ‘
spiritual
sort of stuff in his bedroom.
The Wonder of Now
, that kind of shit.’
‘Ah, he’s always buying books and things from Amazon, but never reading them.’
‘Look, this is an awful question, but I have to ask it …’
John Joseph stared at me, very alert.
‘Did, does Wayne do … yoga?’
‘God, no!’ John Joseph seemed aghast and Jay was spluttering with shock.
‘Or does he meditate?’
‘No! He’s an ordinary bloke,’ John Joseph said. ‘Don’t mind those bloody books.’
Oh my God! Here came Zeezah, John Joseph’s new wife, and suddenly I’d lost all interest in everything else. Although I’d seen Zeezah’s wedding pictures on the front of
Hello!
, I was keen to see her in the much-lauded flesh. I feasted my eyes on her and stored up phrases to repeat at a later date to people I liked. Strutty and pouty. International blow-dry. White jodhpurs. Shiny black riding boots. Short, fierce-waisted jacket. Lip liner so heavy it looked like a thin moustache. And, best of all, carrying a little black riding crop.
‘Hi, Zeezah,’ Jay said.
‘Oh, hiii,’ she said vaguely.
‘Zeezah,’ Jay said. ‘This is Helen Walsh.’
‘Oh, hiiii,’ she said even more vaguely. Then she walked to the fireplace, and on the pretext of something or other she turned her back to us and, I swear to God, I’ve never, before or since, seen a booty like it. Such roundness, such white perfection. I was mesmerized by those buttocks. Veritably mesmerized.
Nevertheless I was not intimidated. I went so far as tohide a smug little smile. Oh yes, Zeezah, you’re very sexy
now
. Oh yes, right
now
, you’re so ripe and lush, you look like you’re going to burst. But in ten years’ time you’ll be morbidly obese. You have the look of someone who’ll die
Christine Zolendz, Frankie Sutton, Okaycreations