Free Learning to Heal by R.D. Cole Page B

and car cleaner so he’ll have something under the tree.”
    I watch her eyes light up when she mentions the tree. It’s her first one in a long time, and her apartment is Christmasland at the moment. Mom actually went through our attic and brought Tru tons of decorations that have accumulated over the years.
    She shakes her head and looks at me. “What are you getting Mason?”
    “Nothing. I mean, don’t you think Christmas gifts are a little too personal for friends?”
    “And having a baby together isn’t personal?” She shakes her head and laughs. “What is going on with you two? I saw how flushed you looked when I came over the other day and how he rushed out of there.”
    I really want to talk to someone about this and that was my intention of this little outing Now that the time is upon me for my mouth to work I don’t know how to start. I shrug my shoulders and look at my feet.
    “I don’t know. I mean we almost kissed the other day, but I’m not sure I want to cross the relationship line with him yet … or ever.” I look up and see her intently watching me, so I stop and sit at a vacant bench. “He’s great and I’ve always thought that, but lately he’s been different.”
    “Different how? He’s not mean under all the innocent cuteness is he? Because I will cut a bitch over you.”
    “Hold up, Rocky.” I laugh because Tru usually doesn’t voice her emotions and for her to get angry on my behalf is so touching but still funny. “No. He’s still sweet, but he’s showing a more intense side. You know, a manly side.” She’s still looking at me with confusion. “Geez. He’s becoming like fuckably sexy to me. Okay? Every time we’re alone I just want to … to. Shit, I don’t know. Fuck him.”
    “Again,” Tru states, nodding her head and laughing.
    “What?”
    “You mean fuck him again . Right? Because you are pregnant.”
    Shit! “Of course I mean again.” I laugh awkwardly and quickly stand to recover. Then I see a toy store and head that way. Grace would love something else noisy.
    Tru follows behind me and we start to play with different toys and act like big kids. She walks over to some baby items and strokes them lovingly while emotion clouds her green eyes. When I stand by her she softly whispers, “I miss him so much.”
    I remain quiet because I don’t know what to say. Losing a child in any way must be hard, but what she endured and the reason behind his death is so unfair. She takes a deep breath and wipes her eyes. “I’m thankful though. Thankful to have known him and thankful that when I do finally have another child I won’t take him or her for granted.”
    She looks at me with a single tear running down her cheek. “Don’t take what you’ve been given for granted, Jazz. And if you feel a pull and attraction toward Mason, maybe you should try out an actual relationship with him.” She wipes away any other stray tears and smiles like she just didn’t knock me over with her words. “Now let’s go find some shoes I can wear with this outfit.”
    The rest of the day I act like her words aren’t running around in my head and try to enjoy what’s left of it. After I drop Tru off at her car I have one destination in mind and can’t help but speed through traffic just to get there. My mind and body are at war over what I want with him. I don’t know which one I’ll chose, but I hope the war will stop ripping me in two once a choice is made. But will it be the right one?
    When I arrive I see his truck sitting in the driveway and start to panic. Deep down I was hoping he’d be gone and I wouldn’t have to ruin this relationship, but he’s here and this has to be done. I can do this. I can tell him this whole thing was a big mistake and walk away before our friendship is completely fucked. If he’s determined to help me that’s fine … but only after the baby is born, when my libido has calmed down. I can do this.  
    I get out and zip up my North Face