Free Gasping - the Play by Ben Elton Page B

the
terrible uncertainty that a sudden gust of empty wind will carry off and
dissipate the precious pumpings, leaving the entire camp momentarily without
the means to live. Whenever even the slightest breeze is felt, a great moan
goes up and people huddle closer, breathing deeply, bracing themselves for the
possibility of two or three minutes with nothing to breathe at all ... So far
in this present crisis over four million people have been terminally suffocated
or ‘died’ from the associated problems of hunger and rioting ... (she
addresses the imaginary cameraman, brisk professional tone) Did you get the
baby in Barry? The shot won’t work without the baby.
     
    (The REPORTER wanders off)

 
     
     
     
     
    SCENE EIGHT
     
     
     
    A plastic tunnel stretches across the
stage, the back half of it anyway, obviously the front part is open for the
audience to see in. SANDY bustles on with the CHIEF, both wearing hard hats.
     
    SANDY: Sorry I was late Chief, some bastard
actually broke in and stole my air! Just whipped the balloon right off the
sucker, I mean Christ that is sick! Bloody ironic as well, it must have
happened while I was in the sitting room watching the ITV Breathathon ... To
think while I was trying to get through to the credit card hotline to let a
baby breathe, some bugger was actually taking the air from right under my nose.
     
    CHIEF: Yes, Lady Chiffley doesn’t feel safe
outside any more, there’s so many people on the streets hanging about breathing
... Apparently they can’t afford to waft their own homes so they stay out half
the night breathing public air.
     
    SANDY: We saw you on the Breathathon though
Sir, donating the Lockheart cheque, it was so great to see you with all those
alternative comedians. Terrific for the company image. And so incredibly
worthwhile. I couldn’t believe it when they cut to that beautiful little
Sudanese baby and said our cheque would keep fifty thousand like her breathing
for a year. Kirsten cried ...
     
    CHIEF: Yes, well it was a fun night and
we’re all proud to have done our bit to help, but we have work to do. How are
we progressing with the breather tubes?
     
    SANDY: Terrifically Chief, as you can see,
we’re well on course (motioning round). The tubes are fashioned from a
fully translucent plastic substitute hence, while enjoying the air, the public
user, be they a housewife going about her usual workaday routine, busy
executive or overseas visitor, they will be afforded an unrivalled view of the
on-street features and the shopping opportunities available outside (showing
it all of]).
     
    CHIEF: Yes, well I must say it looks very
smart.
     
    PHILIP: Many thanks Chief, my people are
good, damn good, there isn’t one of them that isn’t being individually groomed.
The secondary advantages of the Breather Tube system need, of course, no
explanation, so if I can just explain them, they are in the areas of civic
cleanliness, and the prevention of civic skin cancer ...
     
    CHIEF: Sandy, the advantage of these tubes
is that if you are inside one you won’t suffocate.
     
    SANDY: I’m certain they’re going to prove an
enormous earner. With councils cutting back so heavily on the strength of their
atmosphere, anyone who can possibly afford it will choose to use the Lockheart
Oxygenated walkways. Entrance as you can see is facilitated by credit card, so
if Access and Visa want in they’d better get ready for the pips to squeak ...
     
    CHIEF: Excellent. Excellent.
     
    SANDY: Shops who want to be connected up to
the tube will of course have to pay massive rental on their entrance ...
     
    CHIEF: And of course they’ll all have to
connect because any halfway decent customer is going to be in the first-class
tubes ...
     
    SANDY: Uhm, actually I was speaking to
Kirsten about that term Sir, she felt the term ‘first-class ‘rather divisive
and suggested the more user-friendly ‘Alpine class’.
     
    CHIEF: I was not aware we had anything to
apologize