Free Gasping - the Play by Ben Elton

straight. I think you’re tired, you’ve headed up the
whole operation from the beginning and you deserve a break. I want you to take
a break, so what do you say? Change of air?
     
    PHILIP: I can get that at the chemist Sir.
     
    CHIEF: I want you to take some leave Philip.
     
    PHILIP: Well, I suppose ... I don’t know ...
I just hate to see people go breathless, that’s all.
     
    CHIEF: Philip, it’s a small portion of the
population, the vast majority are breathing cleaner, healthier air ... besides,
the whole thing is a political issue. It has nothing to do with us, we just
provide a service.

 
     
     
     
     
    SCENE FIVE
     
     
     
    Steam fills the stage, it clears. THE
MINISTER FOR THE ENVIRONMENT is making a speech.
     
    MINISTER: Of course we recognize that there
is suffering and we will continue to seek out the truly deserving cases and
provide them with all the help that they require ... However, we believe that
the onus lies partly with the less well off themselves to alleviate the
problem. As with poor diet, we believe the main enemy is ignorance. In 1988 the
Government issued detailed advice to the hungry on how best to gain sustenance.
They advised in a leaflet issued through the Department of Health and Social
Security that people should avoid treats and impulse buys, that they should not
go shopping for food when they were hungry since this would lead them into unwise
purchases. I feel that similar commonsense measures will help the less well off
with their breathing. The plain facts are that some people are simply not
breathing properly. For instance, is it really necessary for people to
breathe quite so much? If you find yourselves in difficulties surely it would
be possible to take shorter breaths. In the home, if your income requires you
to have your blower on minimal output, try to move about less; silly and wasted
movements just use up precious energy ... Lie down on your bed and take slow,
well-spaced breaths ... perhaps you could time them. Avoid activities that you
know will consume air, keep family discussion to a minimum, don’t go upstairs
if you can possibly avoid it, the lavatory is a key danger, go only when you
know it’s coming, any straining will throw your meter sky high. Obviously love
making is a very irresponsible activity when the air is thin, definitely to be
avoided. Ask Grandma not to knit so vigorously and get rid of the dog ...
     
    (His voice is
drowned by the roar of a jet.)

 
     
     
     
     
    SCENE SIX
     
     
     
    Huge jet engine noises.
     
    Front stage, KIRSTEN and SANDY in two business-class British Airways seats.
     
    SANDY: Well darling, what could be more
perfect, a combined honeymoon and business trip.
     
    KIRSTEN: I couldn’t believe it when Chief
gave me the International Portfolio.
     
    SANDY: Kirsten, the Chief knows I don’t
marry turkeys ...
     
    KIRSTEN: And he knows I don’t marry men who
marry turkeys.
     
    SANDY: Touché Lady ... tell you what, five
hours fingering my lap top’s put a right ruddy firework in my jocks. (lap
top down) What say we bog up and join the Five Mile High Club?
     
    KIRSTEN: Been there Sandy, believe me there
just isn’t room. I was 18, doing Europe, ended up with some Frenchman having to
prise me off one of the taps. Maybe if your secretary had put us in first.
     
    SANDY: Yes well she won’t make that mistake
again.
     
    KIRSTEN: Good.
     
    SANDY: No chance, I sacked her by fax from
Heathrow. But either way, first or business flying is just a chore to me. I’ve
cloud hopped a deal too many flights to be spending my time saying, ‘Oh look
how clever, they’ve managed to get the cod mornay and the strawberry cream
dessert into the same container.’
     
    KIRSTEN: Absolutely, anyway, it will be the
best of everything for us once we clinch the African deal. Lucky for us Philip
took leave, or he’d be heading it up.
     
    SANDY: Luck darling? Twelve types of hardly.
The guy needed a break. Some people bend, some people