work.â
Thatâs always his first answer. It takes several minutes of talking to get to the deeper issues. âYour motherâs never home,â he says finally, âand when she does get home, she expects me to drop everything and pay attention to her, no matter what Iâm doing. It gets old after a while.â
âShe says sheâs concerned about you pulling back into yourself.â
âYeah,â he admits, âI can see that, but itâs a two-way street, you know? Sheâs got to meet me halfway, and not only on her terms.â
âMm.â This is exactly what I suspected. Mom never tries to see anything from anyone elseâs point of view. Itâs her way or the highway. âDo you know when sheâll be back tonight?â
His choking laughter sounds totally unlike him. âHard to say. Sheâs mostly been calling you from work these days.â
âOh. Well, tell her Iâll be waiting for her call.â
âEllie, itâs so good to hear your voice.â
Youâd think we hadnât spoken in a year. âYou too, Mom. Sorry I worried you.â I hold my breath until I can tell if she wants an apology, or if itâll make her angry.
âIâve missed you,â she whispers, like she always does when sheâs about to cry. âI justââ
âItâs okay, Mom,â I say. âIâm not mad. I never was.
Itâs just thatââ Damn. How do I explain without making Jeanette look so bad that Mom comes to drag me back? Iâm pissed off at my aunt, but not so much that I want to go home. âJeanette was telling me you were having a hard time and thought you might need some time to think. Without having to worry about me, I mean. Thatâs why she kept taking the phone,â I lie.
âAnd you went along with that?â she asks. âHow do you think Iâve felt this week, sitting here, wondering what Iâve done to offend you?â
âMom,â I say, âI didnât mean to worry you. I know youâre really busy, andââ
âYou think Iâm too busy to care about you?â Her voice is shrill. âWhen have I ever not been there for you? And as for too busy to care, well, I could say the same thing about you, young lady.â
I hate it when she does that. I take a deep breath and put on my calmest voice. âIâm not blaming you, Mom. I know things are very stressful for you at work and at home and everything. I donât want to make things worse.â
âSo you hide your feelings from me?â Sheâs shouting now. âYou think that solves the problem? How would you feel if I treated you that way?â
Now is not the time to point out that I wish she would keep her feelings from me a bit more. All at once, I realize Jeanette was right about one thing at least: I could have hung on to the phone all those times, but I didnât.
âWhat? Youâre not even going to answer me now?â
âYes,â I blurt, âIâm still here. Iâm trying to figure out how to help.â
âYou donât always have to fix everything, you know,â she says. âSometimes it would help if you just listened.â
I donât tell her that Iâve been trying to do that. Whatâs the point when itâs obviously not enough?
F IFTEEN
F rank, dressed in an orange Hawaiian shirt and jeans, is sitting on his patio reading a book when I arrive. âWelcome, welcome!â he calls.
I grin and wave. The first time I came here, I never would have imagined feeling so at home in this strange, crowded space, but right now this is the only place I feel relaxed and happy. Frank is always thrilled with my progress, and he talks to me like Iâm an equal, the way Jeanette talks to me when sheâs not trying to save me from my parents.
I have to say, though, that Jeanette didnât stay condescending for long.