Free Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex? by Mark Leyner Page A

whiptail lizards, bottlenose dolphins, flamingoes, vampire bats, giraffes, and penguins. According to a recent study on sheep, published in the journal
Endocrinology,
approximately 8 percent of rams exhibit sexual preferences for other male partners, instead of for ewes. Then, of course, you’ve got your bonobos—those scandalously hedonistic, orgiastic, no-holds-barred sensualists of the ape world—that do it all: heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, bondage, golden showers, leather, rubber, enemas, you name it. Earthworms, tapeworms, leeches, and snails are hermaphrodites, in case you’re into that sort of thing. We’ve yet to come upon a case of cross-species identity disorder, for instance, a platypus that feels it’s actually a kinkajou but born in a platypus’s body.
    DO ANIMALS MASTURBATE?
    Yes, animals masturbate, as anyone with a leg that has been vigorously humped by a randy Jack Russell terrier will readily attest. (I know, humping may also be a form of play and an expression of dominance, but it’s obviously sexual, and some dogs have orgasms doing it, so let’s be real about it.)
    According to Professor Keith Kendrik, head of the Neurobiology Programme and Laboratory of Cognitive and Developmental Neuroscience at the Barraham Institute at Cambridge University, many male mammals touch and lick themselves to achieve erection, but only in primates is masturbation to ejaculation observed. Colobus, talapoins, macaques, baboons, mangabeys, mandrills, orangutans, gorillas, and chimpanzees, you know who you are…Female mammals, and especially female primates, have also been seen masturbating. (It does sounds a little kinky, watching them like that, but it’s science, and somebody’s gotta do it.) In fact, as a team of scientists writing in the journal
Science
recently concluded after observing orangutans in Borneo and Sumatra, the resourceful apes had learned the art of masturbating with sticks.
    As long as we’re talking about animal sexuality, you may be interested to know which creature is the most well-endowed in the world. Without a doubt, the blue whale is the Tommy Lee of the animal kingdom—its penis is 11 feet long, and its testicles weigh up to 100 pounds each. Another interesting fact is that Aristotle Onassis is said to have upholstered the bar stools on his yacht
Christina
with whale penis leather. (If this sort of stuff intrigues you, you might find it worth your while, next time you’re in Reykjavik, to visit the Icelandic Phallological Museum. It is devoted entirely to the study of animal penises and houses ninety-nine specimens.)
    If you intend to go online and do your own amateur research on animal masturbation or penis leather, be forewarned. You will inadvertently summon up a witch’s brew of extremely disturbing websites.
    DO SOME PEOPLE REALLY HAVE TAILS?
    If you saw the movie
Shallow Hal,
you might remember Jason Alexander’s (George from
Seinfeld
) character with his small, wagging tail. This is another example of how you can’t believe everything that you see in the movies.
    This doesn’t mean that people can’t have tails. It’s just that they can’t wag them. Human tails or dorsal cutaneous appendages are rare congenital defects. These “tails” have none of the characteristics of true animal tails. True tails contain bones or have associated muscles that permit movement. The human tail is usually just a fatty outgrowth of skin right at the base of the spine, and often a sign that there might be an underlying spinal defect.

    2:03 p.m.
    Gberg: Jefe.
¿Que pasa?
    Gberg: I am Jefe, you are Uno. Sorry.
    Leyner: Help!!
    Gberg: What?
    Leyner: I love this research!!
    Gberg: How was the Dublin interview, you lusty leprechaun?
    Leyner: Do you know there’s an Icelandic Phallological Museum in Reykjavik?
    2:05 P.M .
    Gberg: I’ll meet you at JFK!
    Gberg: Or is Newark easier for you?
    Leyner: We need to put an animal penis size q. in the vet. chapter…or I’ll just add some