Free Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex? by Mark Leyner Page B

stuff to the gay animal q. & a.
    Gberg: I spent hours last night on the sun sneezing question. I still can’t believe that there is science behind that.
    Leyner: Aristotle Onassis had his bar stools on his yacht
Christina
covered in
whale penis leather.
    Gberg: Poor whale.
    Leyner: I want whale penis leather pants.
    Gberg: You could wear that to your cable TV interview. Then you might pass the dress code.
    Leyner: Just think how I’d look in those next time we’re on
The Today Show??
    Leyner: I know, right?
    Gberg: I can just hear the narration as you stroll down the red carpet. Leyner looks marvelous in his Moby-Dicks!
    Leyner: I’d wear my whale penis leather pants and a nice, simple hummingbird-wing blouse.
    Leyner: Moby-Dicks!!!!
    Leyner: The new “Calvins.”
    Gberg: That would be a great final competition for
Project Runway.
    Leyner: Hey, I have a medical problem…give me IM advice, Mr. Man.
    2:10 P.M .
    Gberg: Each of you has been given one whale penis and 100 dollars…
    Leyner: I think I have a splinter in my BIG TOE…and it’s SO FUCKING PAINFUL…I can’t walk on it at all…but it’s not sticking out so I can’t grab it with my trusty tweezers…what’s a nipple brother to do???
    Gberg: Are you sure it’s not infected? Unusual to be so painful. I could remove it if you wanted to come over.
    Gberg: I have some rusty tools that would be perfect for you.
    Leyner: Rusty tools…I’m drooling with anticipation.
    Leyner: Don’t know if it’s infected…just looks like there’s a little dark fragment in there…but it hurts so much to put any weight on it…otherwise it doesn’t hurt.
    2:15 P.M .
    Leyner: Anyway…I should get back to researching.
    Leyner: Should I soak my toe for a while and try to get the thing out…does soaking work?
    Gberg: Soaking is good.
    Gberg: Use Buddy Ebsen salts.
    Leyner: Sorry…I’ve been at this researching thing since 9 and I’m a little off my game.
    Gberg: I actually have no idea what epsom salts are.
    Leyner: OK…thanks, Jefe. What are you up to for the rest of the day?
    Leyner: I’ll use kosher salt, thank you very much.
    Gberg: I need to go do some work on the book. I will call you later.
    Leyner: Don’t know what that is either.
    Leyner: Talk to you later.
    Gberg: Ciao.

CHAPTER 5
    INSEMINATION, GESTATION, AND LACTATION (THE PREGGERS CHAPTER)
    I had kept our next patient away from Leyner on her last two visits. Isabel Collier, thirty-two years old and twenty-two weeks pregnant, was not in the right hormonal state to deal with Leyner’s unorthodox therapeutic style. She had come to see me to address her fears about becoming a parent. Her husband was unavailable for the earlier sessions, but had accompanied her today. I thought perhaps the support of her husband would allow a smooth transition for Leyner’s introduction.
    We were seated in the office when Wendy Thurston brought the loving couple through the door. Leyner immediately jumped to his feet, clapping his hands with blithe, almost childlike enthusiasm.
    I motioned for the couple to sit down and immediately tears of shame began rolling down the expectant mother’s full face.
    “I can’t do this…I can’t. I’m not prepared to raise a child. I’m so ashamed to admit this….” She turned to her husband entreatingly. “Please forgive me,” she wept.
    The husband embraced her and was about to begin reassuring her, when he looked up and began sniffing the air.
    “Did somebody crap their pants?” he asked, grimacing.
    “I made a poop,” Leyner announced, beaming.
    “You what?” replied the husband. “What kind of sick freaking place is this?”
    I wondered the same thing, but realized that Leyner might have stumbled onto something.
    “Please, I know this seems unusual, but Leyner is trying to show you something.”
    “It’s yucky poopy,” Leyner whined, squirming in his seat.
    “Honey, go help him,” the wife said nudging her husband and wiping her eyes.
    “Me? I didn’t come here