Free Valentine Present and Other Diabolical Liberties by Lynda Renham

before I can stop him Hamilton Lancaster has opened it.
          ‘Bailiffs lady, we’ve been instructed to take your hi-fi unit and laptops, and any furniture not pertaining to your landlord,’ says a ginger-haired man pushing past Hamilton and barging into my lounge.
    What is it with these men with ginger hair?
          ‘I’ve got a gold filling,’ I say sarcastically. ‘Do you want that too? I can lend you some pliers.’
    Hamilton looks horrified while the bailiff considers it.
          ‘Make it thirty-five thousand and it’s a deal,’ I say.
    The bailiff sways.
          ‘You wanna give us thirty-five thousand quid to take out your filling?’ he says startled.
          ‘Deal,’ Hamilton says holding out a hand. ‘Shake on it.’
    I clasp his hand. Thirty -five thousand pounds and all I have to do is pretend to be someone else for a weekend. How hard can that be?
     
    * * *
     
          ‘Are you serious, but this is brilliant news.’
    After a week of silence Julian finally phones and I nervously tell him of Hamilton’s offer, fully expecting him to go crazy. Instead he is enthusing so much about the plan that I feel depressed. I look around at our dreary kitchen and listen to the dripping tap and feel like screaming. Out of the window I see the yobs teasing my elderly neighbour. I open the window noisily.
          ‘Hey, you little gits leave him alone or I’m calling the police.’
    They give me the finger and run off. My neighbour smiles at me and I feel some tension leave my body.
          ‘Thanks sweetheart but I have this nice little spray now which blinds the buggers for a few hours,’ he laughs.
          ‘Harry, are you listening to me?’ demands Julian.
          ‘When are you coming back?’ I ask crossly. ‘And why haven’t you phoned? I was beginning to think Jack Diamond had cut out your tongue.’
    His voice softens.
          ‘I’m sorry babe, you must think me mercenary …’
          ‘Well …’ I begin.
          ‘The thing is, I have found someone who will invest in the restaurant …’
    God, this restaurant is driving me to distraction.
          ‘I just need a bit more time and we can get the money together, meanwhile you can pay Diamond with the first half and …’
    Has he gone out of his mind?
          ‘For God’s sake Julian, the first half is to pay the back rent, or I’ll have nowhere to live, and the loan repayments at the bank. Plus there are all the household bills you didn’t pay, or did you forget about those? Then there are the staff at the restaurant, it’s not fair not to pay them, it’s not their fault, and of course there are the repayments on that bloody van of yours, and there are also my studies. I’ve never had a bad credit rating in my life and I’m not getting one now.’
          ‘For God’s sake Harry, can’t you forget the bloody studies? You know you’ll never finish it, and you certainly won’t be going out to Angola or wherever it is you want to go. You’re not Angelina Jolie you know.’
    Bloody cheek, is everyone trying to tell me I am plain stupid and ugly.
          ‘Don’t I know it? I bet Brad Pitt would be more supportive.’
          ‘I bet Brad Pitt has more sodding money.’
          ‘I bet Brad Pitt doesn’t owe money,’ I snap back. ‘He’s certainly more appealing,’ I add spitefully, ‘and it’s South East Asia actually, not Angola.’
          ‘Same thing. Come on Harry, I can’t come back yet, you know that. I need to get the money for Diamond or God knows what Babyface Jack and Mad Jack Junior will do.’
          ‘Who are Babyface Jack and Mad Jack Junior? I thought it was Jack Diamond you owed money to?’
    Christ, no wonder I could never follow The Godfather .
          ‘They’re his sons.’
          ‘How can they all be called Jack?’
    Julian sighs.
          ‘I don’t know. They’re bloody insane